Troubled soul dies, self-inflicted, goes to heaven, and can’t (or refuses to) even look Jesus in the eye. Jesus and a few of the other saints in heaven can see through this soul’s past earthly experience, they see how hard an earthly life this soul had. The soul is left alone to contemplate on its own, to adjust to its new heavenly surroundings, and to think. Jesus in parting away from this soul says whatever this soul needs and wants, even if an eternity of solitude, let that soul be as it wishes. The soul over time becomes another guardian, a goodwill saint, an ambassador to newly arriving souls along with St. Peter, and eventually welcomes its previous father’s newly arrived soul (which was formerly a religious leader on earth) and show its father’s soul the realities about the places, stories, and saints in heaven that its father had (in the father’s humble earthly blindness) studied and taught. The father’s soul doesn’t know who this guardian is, and asks
“How shall I call to you in heaven, my child, my guardian soul?”
“Abe”.
Friday, October 31, 2008
a test of friendship
In the holiday spirit, maybe
I just sent out a couple of emails this morning
to a couple of friends in the city who were asking for
mailing addresses to send out Xmas cards. One of them
responded back asking me about my new middle name.
In the spirit of holiday cheer I'm sending my response out
since I can't stop my belly from laughing about my sarcastic
mood today. We'll see, but will talk to you after the holidays.
????????
A new middle name?
One of my friends' bandleaders sent an email out this
morning asking for the same thing you did...a mailing
address so they could send holiday cards to their fans.
Since they are a punk-rock band, and fairly good friends,
I figured they'd appreciate me using that for my middle
name, or simply my inner sarcastic response to needing to
send out my mailing address. It was the mood I was in
already, but I did send out my address though. It makes
me laugh right now thinking of giving my mailing address
out, half suspecting that of course these people intend, or
at first intended, to send a Xmas card...and then me complying
with my suspicions most likely being on target, but still
throwing in a sarcastic defiant statement telling these people
to "bite me". It's a test to see how true friendships are is
my analysis.
We'll see how my friendship is tested when I discover a burning
bag of dog-shit at my front door, after I have to scrape all of
the unwanted doodoo from my shoes (or God-fobid my barefeet) when
I attempted to put out the fire-burning bag with the stomp of my
panicking leg. That's an old college prank I heard of, never happened, never did anything like that, but it will always be in the back of my head as I become an old angry man someday, and the annoying kids down the block decide to try and pull a prank on the old angry man.
A."bite me" K.
I just sent out a couple of emails this morning
to a couple of friends in the city who were asking for
mailing addresses to send out Xmas cards. One of them
responded back asking me about my new middle name.
In the spirit of holiday cheer I'm sending my response out
since I can't stop my belly from laughing about my sarcastic
mood today. We'll see, but will talk to you after the holidays.
????????
A new middle name?
One of my friends' bandleaders sent an email out this
morning asking for the same thing you did...a mailing
address so they could send holiday cards to their fans.
Since they are a punk-rock band, and fairly good friends,
I figured they'd appreciate me using that for my middle
name, or simply my inner sarcastic response to needing to
send out my mailing address. It was the mood I was in
already, but I did send out my address though. It makes
me laugh right now thinking of giving my mailing address
out, half suspecting that of course these people intend, or
at first intended, to send a Xmas card...and then me complying
with my suspicions most likely being on target, but still
throwing in a sarcastic defiant statement telling these people
to "bite me". It's a test to see how true friendships are is
my analysis.
We'll see how my friendship is tested when I discover a burning
bag of dog-shit at my front door, after I have to scrape all of
the unwanted doodoo from my shoes (or God-fobid my barefeet) when
I attempted to put out the fire-burning bag with the stomp of my
panicking leg. That's an old college prank I heard of, never happened, never did anything like that, but it will always be in the back of my head as I become an old angry man someday, and the annoying kids down the block decide to try and pull a prank on the old angry man.
A."bite me" K.
The Instigating Infidels
B.H. wrote:
I say we go GET that corporation loving, Bud Light shilling "sonbich"! Hey
wait a minute, I did a Bud Light commercial too once...hmmm, oh well, let's
get that chump anyway!
B. "The Instigator" H.
Big Bad BH and "The Cheating Chump" did gigs for Bud Light
bARKli and Byrd had Miller Lite sponsorship behind their tired cheezy cover band for which we never got paid the "free" 12-packs for each gig, each person, when we played with their Miller Lite poster behind our band at Maggie Mae's on 6th and Trinity in Austin. Word from our cheezy band leader TK was that the bar manager was no way in hell going to give our band a free 12-pack of beer for each member, nor even a single free 12-pack to share betwixt our group. He was smart, cause I would have most likely gulped down all 4 12-packs of free Miller Lite during the first 45 minute set of cheezy covers. We did get $1500 to split at a music store in San Antonio where I procured my first guitar, which I still have with me.
A Black Takamine acoustic guitar. However a few years later I saw an innovative "cutaway" designed guitar, allowing for easier playing higher up on the guitar neck in order to acquire and pluck out those higher range notes and harmonics. Love that Washburn guitar of my own choice, which sits in front of the Takamine which was the better of the lot I had to choose from in San Antonio and which I didn't actually know what a good guitar would be until Washburn's cutaway seduced me from a more frequently visited and reputable Guitar-Center in Austin (The Music Capital of the World). I actually got Tim to come give me a short lesson on my new baby, my Washburn cutaway, when I was living with my girl in Austin. Good pointers and fundamentals, enabled me to not sound nor look like a complete boner on the few cheezy covers I strummed on toward my waning dancing and waning enthusiastic days of simply singing those cheezy covers. Tim wrote a dozen or so original songs with another two former cheezy cover-band players and myself, the band was titled "Pretty How Town". Nothing became of the band because one of the other former cheezy cover players was in a hurry to get a gig for the band and for all of us cheezy cover players to quit our regular paying cheezy cover gigs and pick up "regular" cheezy day jobs shuffling papers and answering phones for whatever "regular" cheezy corporation we could find. Yeah right. After deciding that my waning days of being a player in a cheezy cover band weren't quite bad enough as having to go out and find a cheezy regular job, plus the fact that one of the former cheezy cover players in Pretty How Town wanted to fire the two better players of Pretty How Town, plus the fact that my singing in Pretty How Town made us sound like a cheezy Karen Carpenter coverband, plus the fact that because of the results of years of alcohol and nicotene consumption prompted me to follow my cheating girlfriend to a large and dangerous big city thousands of miles away, I continued to finish my cheezy steadily cover song playing days...until the leader TK felt it was time to tell me he had found some new cheezy song performing players. He most likely was aware that his present cheezy singer was bored, and couldn't quite make the grade idly strumming what were easy chords (in TK's mind) without adding much of the exciting and weird dancing that I used to.
Fair enough. I was bored. I was a victim of infidelity, as well as was an infidel myself in relationships before the present
reel-ay-shun-ship I was continuing to be a part of that was going to take me away on a long and distant new home.
I say we go GET that corporation loving, Bud Light shilling "sonbich"! Hey
wait a minute, I did a Bud Light commercial too once...hmmm, oh well, let's
get that chump anyway!
B. "The Instigator" H.
Big Bad BH and "The Cheating Chump" did gigs for Bud Light
bARKli and Byrd had Miller Lite sponsorship behind their tired cheezy cover band for which we never got paid the "free" 12-packs for each gig, each person, when we played with their Miller Lite poster behind our band at Maggie Mae's on 6th and Trinity in Austin. Word from our cheezy band leader TK was that the bar manager was no way in hell going to give our band a free 12-pack of beer for each member, nor even a single free 12-pack to share betwixt our group. He was smart, cause I would have most likely gulped down all 4 12-packs of free Miller Lite during the first 45 minute set of cheezy covers. We did get $1500 to split at a music store in San Antonio where I procured my first guitar, which I still have with me.
A Black Takamine acoustic guitar. However a few years later I saw an innovative "cutaway" designed guitar, allowing for easier playing higher up on the guitar neck in order to acquire and pluck out those higher range notes and harmonics. Love that Washburn guitar of my own choice, which sits in front of the Takamine which was the better of the lot I had to choose from in San Antonio and which I didn't actually know what a good guitar would be until Washburn's cutaway seduced me from a more frequently visited and reputable Guitar-Center in Austin (The Music Capital of the World). I actually got Tim to come give me a short lesson on my new baby, my Washburn cutaway, when I was living with my girl in Austin. Good pointers and fundamentals, enabled me to not sound nor look like a complete boner on the few cheezy covers I strummed on toward my waning dancing and waning enthusiastic days of simply singing those cheezy covers. Tim wrote a dozen or so original songs with another two former cheezy cover-band players and myself, the band was titled "Pretty How Town". Nothing became of the band because one of the other former cheezy cover players was in a hurry to get a gig for the band and for all of us cheezy cover players to quit our regular paying cheezy cover gigs and pick up "regular" cheezy day jobs shuffling papers and answering phones for whatever "regular" cheezy corporation we could find. Yeah right. After deciding that my waning days of being a player in a cheezy cover band weren't quite bad enough as having to go out and find a cheezy regular job, plus the fact that one of the former cheezy cover players in Pretty How Town wanted to fire the two better players of Pretty How Town, plus the fact that my singing in Pretty How Town made us sound like a cheezy Karen Carpenter coverband, plus the fact that because of the results of years of alcohol and nicotene consumption prompted me to follow my cheating girlfriend to a large and dangerous big city thousands of miles away, I continued to finish my cheezy steadily cover song playing days...until the leader TK felt it was time to tell me he had found some new cheezy song performing players. He most likely was aware that his present cheezy singer was bored, and couldn't quite make the grade idly strumming what were easy chords (in TK's mind) without adding much of the exciting and weird dancing that I used to.
Fair enough. I was bored. I was a victim of infidelity, as well as was an infidel myself in relationships before the present
reel-ay-shun-ship I was continuing to be a part of that was going to take me away on a long and distant new home.
Saturday Night Snacks
Saturday nights
Popcorn bowls
Cans of Pepsi
6-Million Dollar Man
C.H.I.P.S.
Starsky and Hutch
B.J. and the Bear
Fantasy Island
The Love Boat
Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman and Tim Conway
Battlestar Gallactica
Emergency
Mom worked at the real Emergency Room
Dad had Council meetings
Between games of Tetris, Barnstormer on Activision, my brother and I watched these routine shows and ate these routine snacks
Popcorn bowls
Cans of Pepsi
6-Million Dollar Man
C.H.I.P.S.
Starsky and Hutch
B.J. and the Bear
Fantasy Island
The Love Boat
Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman and Tim Conway
Battlestar Gallactica
Emergency
Mom worked at the real Emergency Room
Dad had Council meetings
Between games of Tetris, Barnstormer on Activision, my brother and I watched these routine shows and ate these routine snacks
Sad Austin Story
This "sonbich" (not named) actually slept with "my girl" (or maybe it could be argued my girl slept with him) - when we still lived down there. He was playing regularly at that big country club down 6th St. and my girl was working there. Actually, my girl told me about it (she told me while my mother was visiting town for the weekend). I didn't know what to say to my girl. My mother was visiting, I was speechless. Or in denial, I just didn't want to deal with it since I was also set on moving to NYC with her (my girl, not my mother). The personal sacrifices we've all made coming here, I'll be damned. To add, my girl not long afterwards lost her job there right after she had convinced me to move to a new apartment complex that was twice as expensive as most of us were used to living in. I finally convinced my girl to move back to the complex I was comfortable affordability-wise since I was at the point of leaving my working band singing days. Yeah, my girl was probably good at convincing others (if you know what I mean), but she was convincable herself as well when it came down to practicalities. Takes 2 to do a tango
OLD AUSTIN STORIES
I played with Tim in a short-lived original pop-rock band (Pretty How Town) in Austin, and also Rob played a couple of years with the pop-dance cover band (Be Wires) I myself was in for several years. These old pictures are in the photo-album "Singing in Life" and "Learning to Create Music" from the webpage http://community.webshots.com/user/aarkli . Both guys were, and still are I am sure, awesome musicians, and people to be around. Tim actually gave me a short guitar lesson once, gave me a few pointers and things to study if I was that determined to know more. Rob, one of the most tasteful, steady, and reliable drummers I had played (sang) with at that time. He also shared an apartment with me for a couple of years (he patiently and reliably - like the professional "clock" is, tolerated my odd ways). Won't ever forget Tim and Rob's commradery and partnerships. I am A.K. in the photos. I have been in N.Y.C. since "retiring" at the end of 1995. Went there with my girlfriend at the time, but we split after a year. Got to see Tim's wife once when she was attending a conference in NYC, but both of us were too busy to share more than a brief "hi how are you doin and hellos". Great people, great town of Austin we all performed together in at that time. Times and people I'll fondly remember the rest of my days! If anyone is in touch with either of them, tell them Hello from Aaron in NYC, and also tell them another musician they knew and played with (Byrd) is here now as well with his really nice and cool lady. AK.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
More older poetic writings in NYC
*
What is your purpose
What is your plan man
Are you enjoying the circus
are you being a clown
I've got a pocket full of dollars
that says you can't read
and get the point of it
get the point the point of it down
You had your chances
and you more than
took them for granted
but maybe you were just too dumb
The doctor says I'm
just becoming a rooster
He says
not to get too down
Had to move my belt one
notch over
Had to throw away that
third grade four leaf clover
*
For selfish reasons I smoke
I'm bored so I fly
I try and try
And at the end
There's a butt
Then I sleep
Tomorrow then I awoke
Bright colors here
Come very rare
The trails lift to
The ceiling
And I think of closing the book
A man in bright yellow coat
Parks cars
And sits in a booth
Looking for signs
To do good with his time
Why not stop
*
So Much for Little Cash
gibberish gabberish fibbers and gab
gee those shoes look so fab
twas not will not give me three
when the farmost vessels reach
the empty beach
then only can you say
that you were among them
for if we stand still and holler
the mustard might heads
play for dollars
smaller
swallower
the mighty hunter
will raise a gun in flash
so much for little cash
*
the city
the city is beautiful
at sunset you see
silhouetted planes and helicopters
against a pastel sky
of orange and aqua marine
the river's glow in the dark white
Liberty, bridges, rooftops are green
across the way Brooklyn Bridge is lit with
flickering beams
clouds raining peach colored showers
and trees blowing saturated leaves
soon enough the sun became
a dot of red
just before it lowered
to bed
and gray mist overwhelmed
everything just said
thus ended a passing
moment of God's glory
natural and man-fed
*
now is
It doesn't matter
because I wasn't doing the same thing yesterday
and I'll be doing something different tomorrow
because I wasn't here yesterday
and I won't be here tomorrow
heart day one day
next day blue
hold cot
*
resigning with age
I don't want to boast
nothing too revealing here
time moves on
I'm just making friends
I just want to be in the loop
I want to be there
our generation
we only had to grow up
we had to learn to care
after asking
what difference will it make
so overcome by emotion
I can't ignore myself
memories not here yet
I see them though
human lament
human repent
*
can't
sunlight ray
beat me to the room
sunrise day
keeps me from the gloom
but if ever I thought
that you were my savior
then everything would
come out right
you hear what I'm sayin
you dear
precious dear
for if yields of nonsensensical spoken
through then ever might be caught then they could say it wasn't rough but caught
in the snuff of one eyebeam together forever but not in the thought of you and I
cause we can't look it in the eye you nor I neither we care so much for the
towers and the cactus frosting of our finest longest hours in nine sordid hours
from behind yet you seek the neverending surprises of our lost forgotten woven
isles because it drifts into miles of nothing smiles so snidely yet gets caught
in the frozen piles however we see then not begotten not forwarned benighed
crusty cakes with knives should you ever bring the fires blister you bless to do
most comforting denial yet you ever can't free the style of your forshadowed
doom twist in the aisle yet sobering dial can't speak nor reel in the jaded
weeks and wheels of everlasting plies
*
I should think one day
that I might carry a cane
an admission of feebleness
yet able to maintain a
sense of independence
and an air of dignity
I wonder if I could
accompany Whitman on a futuristic
return to this magnificent
metropolis.
How could any of the great
artisans of a bygone era not
see how wonderful mankind
has assimilated the
preliminary fears of a
booming industrial and capitalist
world.
I only hope that perhaps
architecture will one day
again become a prized
practice.
*
we can't
we can't choose the people
that come into our lives
we should try to break bread
with those who do
*
what we've become
now is the time
for us to leave behind
what we've become...
one leaf falls
to the ground
in early summer
while the rest
wait til autumn
to turn brown
In this season
You're still green
detached from
the mother tree
*
Smokey Jeans
When I was 20
I played with fire
My mind was in other places
I broke the rules
But I was never there
I was never there for you
(But) I Didn't Want That
Sometimes Accidents happen for good reasons
Why do I betray you Lord
Why do I defy the good voice in me
*
wish
For some reason
real or imagined
I thought that when
I got older
I would be strong
and intelligent enough
that there would no
longer be fears
I would be a man
so nothing could
scare, frighten or worry me
There's nothing that
I couldn't overcome
I was wrong
The fears I had
as a kid
have become even more real
magnified by a thousand
glasses
But I wish and
strive to maintian a
smile through it all
*
Old New York
Somehow I knew
I would waste away
nor give much thought to
somewhere someplace
don't get me wrong
I've had my dreams
my highly idealistic things
I thought would be cool to do
but since, or just in case
I end up wastin this life
I can't think of a better place
to do so than old New York
*
Frost
and then I was staring at my scoffed up, ripped up shoes, holes in the
jeans, oil stains on my pantlegs, dirt under my fingernails, my sweatshirt that
I wear 5-10 days in a row, through my 5 year old prescription glasses with nicks
in what was at one time non-scratch surface lenses (I guess the non-scratch
surface layer is peeling off), an irritating little whisker pointing up instead
of down and tickling my nose so people think I'm a drug addict, wiping
crumbs/snot/ice/water from my moustache, sniffling from allergies, and
I was just wondering...
what's it all for...
to teach me a lesson or something?
*
I Saw Berke Breathed
I saw a worried child
a look of gasping surprise
I saw Dilbert
I saw Snoopy
I saw Beaker
I saw Scmedley
I saw Droopy
in that chipped paint on the wall
*
sketcher book
This message is for no one
particular
but it makes me wipe my
guitar
I'm drinking alone
by my bone
The heart peels
then turns green
I regret that I
wasn't worth it
to be alone but then dependent
and a fool
for trying you know
I'm just looking for a road
hope doesn't stay
but carries with it a rope
not a smidgen better
but worse for ignoring
my own
it's taken so long to
open and look
but thank you for the sketcher
book
I will no longer have
a place to stand
for long moments
when I thought I'd be
moving on later
I will miss the point
and make another
and not think of it again
so at the end
the spirit is near
and I am no longer
empty of cheer
as I learn to
listen
be clear
be brave
give daily
I must go and
be a friend
*
This final section is from a reply I sent to my friend who wanted
me to check his email system out as he was having some problems, so he gave me his password to let me check it out, and I sent him this as my reply.
Subject: Re: learn to write the following word like this - 'foggeduhbowdet'
#1, your password is of no use to me. that's for you to log in to your personal account. But since I'm a cooky guy, I'll see if I can check it out and
see what I can see. See? Si!
#2, get in the habit of never giving passwords out to anyone for anything.
Bad to do. not that you would have anything to hide, but just to instill
confidence in companies. They're big on security consciousnessnessness.
In fact make a habit of randomly changing your passwords to anything on
not so regular basisesesess.
#3, did you write a note in MS Word or something like it and then tried to
attach it to your e-mail? I'm not sure how hotmail.com handles things,
but we'll see. See? Si!
#4, if you put a large attachment file in, hotmail.com won't handle large sized messages. If you just wrote a long letter there shouldn't be a problem.
#5, don't think I've ever seen anyone with as large a username as yours.
Bada bing! You cook (as in kewk, or kuuk, or kook, whatever they do
with that word).
#6, what's the difference between a musician and a pizza?
a pizza will feed a family of four. Bada bing!
#7, how many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one. he just stands there and the world revolves around him.
Bada bing!
*
the breaths of
the gods
are restless
Human primates
are scrambling
to arrange
their comforts
when they find
those are
fleeting moments
we escape to
other interpretations
of flights
of fancy
and will go to the
extremes of our own demise
extremes of demise
look deep into your eyes
laugh with your ego
just don't step into
my front door
I can listen
you can detect
and lay all your
baggage on me
I only have
a sigh
to offer your stress
I guess
you sighed when
I came to you
but asked
nothing more
I can only hope
to stay away
from your door
Years ago
you were beaten down
by someone who
didn't care
someone with
nothing on their mind
but fair
If we could only
remain with the
ones who we
succeeded with
goddamn our
ego's flair
once not
stop not
medium cigars
cry not
want not
noone looking into your eyes
and seeing, knowing
the extremes of my demise
close the door
open the window
wrap under the blanket
and dream of
simpler times
*
take your time
take notes
seize the moment
learn to pray
Haven't taken full
advantage of
resources at hand
nor trusted fully
in people
including the self
Don't have to be
too tricky or clever
Don't try to
tackle a mountain
without first building
some endurance
and skill
practical senses
common senses
trust in the fate
of God's love
and his plan
as it lays out
before you
Make some choices
have some initiative
and
*
Good
always is
to see my friend
and just laugh
Most important
to maintain
my soul
and high-spirits
Smart
dilligent people
common shares
beliefs
memories
Then and now
bondings
favors
encouragements
*
You don't/should understand
you won't get up again
make that kind of dough again
be here again
have that chance again
see
see it now
hear now
question now
feel it now
save now
taste it now
savor it now
*
Afraid to continue
building
expanding horizons
Afraid to take that
one small temporary
step back
My current lot in life
My self imposed lot
By default, that is
the punishment
I've been handed
I've delivered
I've sat and waited for
I've done the bare
minimums to be
accepted entry-level
to be accepted into
membership
just haven't grown
just haven't stayed
just haven't made the
really tough decisions
and accepted accountability
the lesson I've learned
is right before me
All the negatives
that show
I use as and excuse
to further go
the next step
and simply write it all
off as
my lot in life
Igor
was a valued
commodity
knew what was
needed
when it was
needed
the best assistant
to a team of
surgeons
the one not afraid to
get his hands dirty
the one who probably
suffered physically
from all the risky
positions he took
on
but was happy and
content
and accepting
humbly accepting
of his lot in life
The one step up
in his eyes is
he can write about
what he knows
he can tell stories
about what he's been through
he can photograph
his uncommon unique perspective
he can sing about
the emotions he has
inside of him
emotions near a boiling point
he needs to learn
maybe is learning
the value of his
stories
where, who, to offer
his stories
that the almighty
dollar is
what dictates our
drive and purposes
to the end
can he maintain his
spirit and soul
til then
Igor -
the happy-go-lucky boy he's always been
A muse is not
neccessarily
one of the most
pleasant events
or people an artist
comes across in their
life
What have I learned in this vacation?
About family
About new family
and old
about simple things
about young things
about old things
about historic memories
about seasonal
preparations for the wind
about forgiveness
and childish sins
about reparations
to fix and mend
about life experiences
about aging
and making friends
Klutina and
South Waterfall
in a very short
time period, days,
became a familiar
site to me one middle
of the night, darkly
lit with the streetlamps,
raining, quiet
A familiar wet street corner
*
Avonex and Penlac
This thing eats refridgerators!
I have a dogged
determination
to stay where I am
we’ll see how dogged
that determination is
when money gets tight
and the rent is due
Keep this in mind
don’t get down
this one
and that one
would hire you again
they liked your
services
professionally and personally
to help them
and/in their business run
Buses
Frost
Music and sir
any of your family
and friends
would take you in
again and again
any former flirts
would be happy
to laugh again
Composing by/through emotion
Beethoven
Bach
studious
and inspired men
passionate men
lonely men
*
WITH WHOM MAY MINE ENCOUNTER
Amonia to clear the air
Avonex & Aspirin years
Anthrax spores
Andrea, Angela, Anabel, & Amys I know
Avenue A, Astoria, Austin, Alvin, Anamosa places I lived
Access, Addresses, Algebra, A+’s, Helpful Answers I once did
Avoidance, Abandonment, Alcohol, Attacks, Ashes made me feel
Apprehensive, Aroused, Abandoned, Annoyed and Angry
Aaron
Avonex years
Anthrax scars
Aortic to Pulmonary Artery Fistula
Ash
Amys
Andrea
Alvin
Austin
Anamosa
A+’s
Astoria
Algebra
Aesbestos
Aspirin
Amonia for Chuckles
Avenue A
Avoidance
Abandonment
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Kid A
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Arrival
Alcohol
Associative
Asleep
ARK
*
Life Changes
My life changed
Life changed
This life change
I was there
two summers
and a spring
before the fall
a good looking body
in this town
walks by every
ten feet
what counts 99%
is that smile
that nurturing hand
that look
that touch
the hold
the bright eyes
my cassette recorder
and my baby Washburn
it's been awhile
first time back
couldn't let her go
couldn't leave her abandoned so
Have to take things
to the edge
the brink of desperation
and disaster
have to see firsthand
despair nearing so close
have to get to the point
of using loose change
have to visit Coinstar
to get whole bills
to get whole quarters
for toilet paper and laundry
Driving to NYC
all things kept
packed into the back
and two small dogs
taking turns in my lap
every gas station
every stop
every highway
seemed familiar
until you reach
the Verranzano Bridge
traffic
motions
old buildings neck to neck
breathing and pulse are faster
all anticipation of
things to unfold
all the stories and shows
you've seen and heard
are now in your presence
down each and every successive turn
redifining myself/ourselves
redefining our presence and
purpose on this earth
When away from home
and sitting on a bench
you can feel the drive
and wishes come so alive
but when we get back
where I become so easily distracted
the wish has faded and pushed aside
and the dream is no longer there
distractions are anxiously awaiting
*
SUBWAY/NEW YORK
Down in the subway
there's merchants and doctors
down in the subway
i think i'm gonna holler
down in the subway there's men beggin for dollars
down in the subway
among the alien herds
down in the subway
i feel a little taller (smaller)
i'm with a crowd
so innocent and pure
their rollercoaster waves
they need a cure (in search of)
someone's after me
can't see for the seai
take a deep breath
and the cold keeps me
it's you know
like they say it is
big, harsh, dirty
but it has a history
the sun is crisp
and the clouds are gay
moonlight shine over
birds of prey
have you ever been somewhere
you knew you weren't gonna be
at that particular place
for all eternity
where the leaves change colors
and the bars hold you in
soft lane fire glows
and the doorframes are rotten
if i were old
i'd be dyin
the lines stay open
past midnight
lane fire leggin
cold finger snappin
why are we here at Watts
we should be over on Barrow
don't underestimate
the hangover tomorrow
yellow shack on the
corner of 6th and Broadway
poor man washing
his dirt shield laundry
couples glance then stare
hold hands together
if someone wants to pay for a beer
i'll stay up here
all night
deeply depressed
in the city of stress
watching the other guy
in his moment of glory
jealous of any success story
this is a place of quiet
of pause and solitude
conversation's trivial
just a touch of attitude
it's like a holding place
for a ghost like me
it's a private stay
puts holes in me
unfamiliarity
keeps me
CONNECTION/IN MY HEAD
i want to connect
but i got no angle
i push myself back
to the back of the world
all the angry voices
are putting me down
i'm not answering
except with a bite
and a severed bone
sitting, lonely, angry, baloney
got to go and be
apart from the crowd again
it's got something to do
but nowhere to go
get real
be real
what's going on
between you and the cloud
how many times have
you sat in quiet
then thinking back
wished you had
something to say
in my head
the streets a racing
the plurals are known
the gate's at home
in my headeye's ahead
but still astray and shivering
noises around
but all is still
in my head
can't see for the sea
can't stand to get down on my knees
the best brand
is all you ever drink
life liberty and the
pursuit of a blue satin shirt
sometime in my life
i gotta get up a little earlier
sometime in my life
gotta get out from inside the walls
and one of these days
i'll say hi to my neighbor
and talk about the days events
and never ever mention weather
this is a place of quiet
of pause and solitude
conversation's trivial
just a touch of attitude
it's like a holding place
for a ghost like me
it's a private stay
puts holes in me
unfamiliarity
keeps me
keep my mind
on what's important here
TK/SR/AND ALL THOSE SOBSWHO THINK THEY CAN CONTROL ME
there's nothing grand in
no democracy of communication
i don't want a confrontation
bump me on the shoulder
and i'll apologize
tell me to work on Xmas
i'll never bat an eye
can't figure out
why things always turn out bad for me
i put my heart and soul to it
but my soul still feels so empty
get real
be real
sob
HENRY
no more pieces of henry
no more pieces of pie
no more feelings of envy
no more dreaming at night
dealing with life
requests denied
my only friend
"just like little dogs"
JOB
there's no one here by that name
call again tomorrow
call again some other day
call again and again
the employer is the lazy one
this job is for sale
the job for sale is up for bid
are you a happy person
you do what you want
you get it every day
there's life in the decay
wanted, men for slavery
get a pack every day
WRITING
i don't want to do this
i can't wait til Xmas
stones in the barnyard
they'll be doing the two-step to this very shortly
what the fuck is that
don't overblow your mind
with blatt
close this book
it's not for kids
i'm losing my eyes
i broke ground today
not a sound in the way
the wallpaper lid's in the door
sob
how am i supposed
to care and give a shit
at the same time
write it out then dispose of it
nothing doing
with nothing to do
too much detail
ruins the spirit of the whole thing
the best song i ever wrote
was never finished
the chords didn't quite ring
the notes didn't want to sing
words came to a breakneck stop
my teeth were turning green
nothing matters
but it's not a joke
good morning pages
bad morning days
what difference does it make
what lengths will i take
gotta get out on my own
gotta do that thing again
the thing that frustrates me
the thing that doubts me
that i doubt myself
misinterpretation is not
my problem
the sunlight hit
the page just so
i could see finally
the marks i was making
no longer need to subject me
to that sort of scrutiny
it's a critical success
my humblest work at best
what i hunger for
is yet to be
what is printed, written, or projected
plainly I cannot see
I'll be making a living from my writing
long after
your grandchildren are dead
LIFE/DEATH
all things pass
including me
including you
don't be so down
on your bluestreak
it's good for the feet
they go slow
bound to past
living up to history
tied to family
love is around
i just don't want to live up to that crap
no real vacation
gonna have to play host
to older men and women
for when I do begin to die
these days of struggle and strife
are preparing me for the ultimate fight
to breathe thes last few precious breaths
and taste the last morsels before death
FIGHTING/WOMEN
the fights are getting boring
the night frogs are snoring
nonsense for nothing
now all we do is fight
come on come on
we staged a run
let's peel the light
nothing could ever shake you from the grips of your girl
alot of people want my baby
but my baby only wants me
same place
same time
you are the only thing
ever on my mind
sweet Katarina
meet me at the cantina
quiet quiet sunday
tell me something
someday
that you'll never ever
be alone
why are we here at Watts
we should be over on Barrow
don't underestimate
the hangover tomorrow
yellow shack on the
corner of 6th and Broadway
poor man washing
his dirt shield laundry
couples glance then stare
hold hands together
her hands curled up
in her sleeves
her nose pinch
smile snowy white
eyes are what make
the earth open up
and swallow me
like a bread crumb
shell around her head
mittens on her hand
long coat down to
her knees
does she have a man
what would he be
nothing like me
he probably has money
and a job in the city
a house in the burbs
and a car near the curb
they got things together
like mutual love
honesty and power
thrown together
like some omelette
I should stop staring
magnetizing her
it didn't matter what i said to you
it doesn't matter what i don't or i do
every emotion i ever had
took second place to what your dad had
*
What was said by you
What I said to you
Hands waving in the air
Waving to say hello
Waving to thank the World
for the beautiful moment
we encroached ourselves upon
Waving to conduct
our hearts’ beating in time
along with
the day’s music and beauty we’ve found
*
What is your purpose
What is your plan man
Are you enjoying the circus
are you being a clown
I've got a pocket full of dollars
that says you can't read
and get the point of it
get the point the point of it down
You had your chances
and you more than
took them for granted
but maybe you were just too dumb
The doctor says I'm
just becoming a rooster
He says
not to get too down
Had to move my belt one
notch over
Had to throw away that
third grade four leaf clover
*
For selfish reasons I smoke
I'm bored so I fly
I try and try
And at the end
There's a butt
Then I sleep
Tomorrow then I awoke
Bright colors here
Come very rare
The trails lift to
The ceiling
And I think of closing the book
A man in bright yellow coat
Parks cars
And sits in a booth
Looking for signs
To do good with his time
Why not stop
*
So Much for Little Cash
gibberish gabberish fibbers and gab
gee those shoes look so fab
twas not will not give me three
when the farmost vessels reach
the empty beach
then only can you say
that you were among them
for if we stand still and holler
the mustard might heads
play for dollars
smaller
swallower
the mighty hunter
will raise a gun in flash
so much for little cash
*
the city
the city is beautiful
at sunset you see
silhouetted planes and helicopters
against a pastel sky
of orange and aqua marine
the river's glow in the dark white
Liberty, bridges, rooftops are green
across the way Brooklyn Bridge is lit with
flickering beams
clouds raining peach colored showers
and trees blowing saturated leaves
soon enough the sun became
a dot of red
just before it lowered
to bed
and gray mist overwhelmed
everything just said
thus ended a passing
moment of God's glory
natural and man-fed
*
now is
It doesn't matter
because I wasn't doing the same thing yesterday
and I'll be doing something different tomorrow
because I wasn't here yesterday
and I won't be here tomorrow
heart day one day
next day blue
hold cot
*
resigning with age
I don't want to boast
nothing too revealing here
time moves on
I'm just making friends
I just want to be in the loop
I want to be there
our generation
we only had to grow up
we had to learn to care
after asking
what difference will it make
so overcome by emotion
I can't ignore myself
memories not here yet
I see them though
human lament
human repent
*
can't
sunlight ray
beat me to the room
sunrise day
keeps me from the gloom
but if ever I thought
that you were my savior
then everything would
come out right
you hear what I'm sayin
you dear
precious dear
for if yields of nonsensensical spoken
through then ever might be caught then they could say it wasn't rough but caught
in the snuff of one eyebeam together forever but not in the thought of you and I
cause we can't look it in the eye you nor I neither we care so much for the
towers and the cactus frosting of our finest longest hours in nine sordid hours
from behind yet you seek the neverending surprises of our lost forgotten woven
isles because it drifts into miles of nothing smiles so snidely yet gets caught
in the frozen piles however we see then not begotten not forwarned benighed
crusty cakes with knives should you ever bring the fires blister you bless to do
most comforting denial yet you ever can't free the style of your forshadowed
doom twist in the aisle yet sobering dial can't speak nor reel in the jaded
weeks and wheels of everlasting plies
*
I should think one day
that I might carry a cane
an admission of feebleness
yet able to maintain a
sense of independence
and an air of dignity
I wonder if I could
accompany Whitman on a futuristic
return to this magnificent
metropolis.
How could any of the great
artisans of a bygone era not
see how wonderful mankind
has assimilated the
preliminary fears of a
booming industrial and capitalist
world.
I only hope that perhaps
architecture will one day
again become a prized
practice.
*
we can't
we can't choose the people
that come into our lives
we should try to break bread
with those who do
*
what we've become
now is the time
for us to leave behind
what we've become...
one leaf falls
to the ground
in early summer
while the rest
wait til autumn
to turn brown
In this season
You're still green
detached from
the mother tree
*
Smokey Jeans
When I was 20
I played with fire
My mind was in other places
I broke the rules
But I was never there
I was never there for you
(But) I Didn't Want That
Sometimes Accidents happen for good reasons
Why do I betray you Lord
Why do I defy the good voice in me
*
wish
For some reason
real or imagined
I thought that when
I got older
I would be strong
and intelligent enough
that there would no
longer be fears
I would be a man
so nothing could
scare, frighten or worry me
There's nothing that
I couldn't overcome
I was wrong
The fears I had
as a kid
have become even more real
magnified by a thousand
glasses
But I wish and
strive to maintian a
smile through it all
*
Old New York
Somehow I knew
I would waste away
nor give much thought to
somewhere someplace
don't get me wrong
I've had my dreams
my highly idealistic things
I thought would be cool to do
but since, or just in case
I end up wastin this life
I can't think of a better place
to do so than old New York
*
Frost
and then I was staring at my scoffed up, ripped up shoes, holes in the
jeans, oil stains on my pantlegs, dirt under my fingernails, my sweatshirt that
I wear 5-10 days in a row, through my 5 year old prescription glasses with nicks
in what was at one time non-scratch surface lenses (I guess the non-scratch
surface layer is peeling off), an irritating little whisker pointing up instead
of down and tickling my nose so people think I'm a drug addict, wiping
crumbs/snot/ice/water from my moustache, sniffling from allergies, and
I was just wondering...
what's it all for...
to teach me a lesson or something?
*
I Saw Berke Breathed
I saw a worried child
a look of gasping surprise
I saw Dilbert
I saw Snoopy
I saw Beaker
I saw Scmedley
I saw Droopy
in that chipped paint on the wall
*
sketcher book
This message is for no one
particular
but it makes me wipe my
guitar
I'm drinking alone
by my bone
The heart peels
then turns green
I regret that I
wasn't worth it
to be alone but then dependent
and a fool
for trying you know
I'm just looking for a road
hope doesn't stay
but carries with it a rope
not a smidgen better
but worse for ignoring
my own
it's taken so long to
open and look
but thank you for the sketcher
book
I will no longer have
a place to stand
for long moments
when I thought I'd be
moving on later
I will miss the point
and make another
and not think of it again
so at the end
the spirit is near
and I am no longer
empty of cheer
as I learn to
listen
be clear
be brave
give daily
I must go and
be a friend
*
This final section is from a reply I sent to my friend who wanted
me to check his email system out as he was having some problems, so he gave me his password to let me check it out, and I sent him this as my reply.
Subject: Re: learn to write the following word like this - 'foggeduhbowdet'
#1, your password is of no use to me. that's for you to log in to your personal account. But since I'm a cooky guy, I'll see if I can check it out and
see what I can see. See? Si!
#2, get in the habit of never giving passwords out to anyone for anything.
Bad to do. not that you would have anything to hide, but just to instill
confidence in companies. They're big on security consciousnessnessness.
In fact make a habit of randomly changing your passwords to anything on
not so regular basisesesess.
#3, did you write a note in MS Word or something like it and then tried to
attach it to your e-mail? I'm not sure how hotmail.com handles things,
but we'll see. See? Si!
#4, if you put a large attachment file in, hotmail.com won't handle large sized messages. If you just wrote a long letter there shouldn't be a problem.
#5, don't think I've ever seen anyone with as large a username as yours.
Bada bing! You cook (as in kewk, or kuuk, or kook, whatever they do
with that word).
#6, what's the difference between a musician and a pizza?
a pizza will feed a family of four. Bada bing!
#7, how many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one. he just stands there and the world revolves around him.
Bada bing!
*
the breaths of
the gods
are restless
Human primates
are scrambling
to arrange
their comforts
when they find
those are
fleeting moments
we escape to
other interpretations
of flights
of fancy
and will go to the
extremes of our own demise
extremes of demise
look deep into your eyes
laugh with your ego
just don't step into
my front door
I can listen
you can detect
and lay all your
baggage on me
I only have
a sigh
to offer your stress
I guess
you sighed when
I came to you
but asked
nothing more
I can only hope
to stay away
from your door
Years ago
you were beaten down
by someone who
didn't care
someone with
nothing on their mind
but fair
If we could only
remain with the
ones who we
succeeded with
goddamn our
ego's flair
once not
stop not
medium cigars
cry not
want not
noone looking into your eyes
and seeing, knowing
the extremes of my demise
close the door
open the window
wrap under the blanket
and dream of
simpler times
*
take your time
take notes
seize the moment
learn to pray
Haven't taken full
advantage of
resources at hand
nor trusted fully
in people
including the self
Don't have to be
too tricky or clever
Don't try to
tackle a mountain
without first building
some endurance
and skill
practical senses
common senses
trust in the fate
of God's love
and his plan
as it lays out
before you
Make some choices
have some initiative
and
*
Good
always is
to see my friend
and just laugh
Most important
to maintain
my soul
and high-spirits
Smart
dilligent people
common shares
beliefs
memories
Then and now
bondings
favors
encouragements
*
You don't/should understand
you won't get up again
make that kind of dough again
be here again
have that chance again
see
see it now
hear now
question now
feel it now
save now
taste it now
savor it now
*
Afraid to continue
building
expanding horizons
Afraid to take that
one small temporary
step back
My current lot in life
My self imposed lot
By default, that is
the punishment
I've been handed
I've delivered
I've sat and waited for
I've done the bare
minimums to be
accepted entry-level
to be accepted into
membership
just haven't grown
just haven't stayed
just haven't made the
really tough decisions
and accepted accountability
the lesson I've learned
is right before me
All the negatives
that show
I use as and excuse
to further go
the next step
and simply write it all
off as
my lot in life
Igor
was a valued
commodity
knew what was
needed
when it was
needed
the best assistant
to a team of
surgeons
the one not afraid to
get his hands dirty
the one who probably
suffered physically
from all the risky
positions he took
on
but was happy and
content
and accepting
humbly accepting
of his lot in life
The one step up
in his eyes is
he can write about
what he knows
he can tell stories
about what he's been through
he can photograph
his uncommon unique perspective
he can sing about
the emotions he has
inside of him
emotions near a boiling point
he needs to learn
maybe is learning
the value of his
stories
where, who, to offer
his stories
that the almighty
dollar is
what dictates our
drive and purposes
to the end
can he maintain his
spirit and soul
til then
Igor -
the happy-go-lucky boy he's always been
A muse is not
neccessarily
one of the most
pleasant events
or people an artist
comes across in their
life
What have I learned in this vacation?
About family
About new family
and old
about simple things
about young things
about old things
about historic memories
about seasonal
preparations for the wind
about forgiveness
and childish sins
about reparations
to fix and mend
about life experiences
about aging
and making friends
Klutina and
South Waterfall
in a very short
time period, days,
became a familiar
site to me one middle
of the night, darkly
lit with the streetlamps,
raining, quiet
A familiar wet street corner
*
Avonex and Penlac
This thing eats refridgerators!
I have a dogged
determination
to stay where I am
we’ll see how dogged
that determination is
when money gets tight
and the rent is due
Keep this in mind
don’t get down
this one
and that one
would hire you again
they liked your
services
professionally and personally
to help them
and/in their business run
Buses
Frost
Music and sir
any of your family
and friends
would take you in
again and again
any former flirts
would be happy
to laugh again
Composing by/through emotion
Beethoven
Bach
studious
and inspired men
passionate men
lonely men
*
WITH WHOM MAY MINE ENCOUNTER
Amonia to clear the air
Avonex & Aspirin years
Anthrax spores
Andrea, Angela, Anabel, & Amys I know
Avenue A, Astoria, Austin, Alvin, Anamosa places I lived
Access, Addresses, Algebra, A+’s, Helpful Answers I once did
Avoidance, Abandonment, Alcohol, Attacks, Ashes made me feel
Apprehensive, Aroused, Abandoned, Annoyed and Angry
Aaron
Avonex years
Anthrax scars
Aortic to Pulmonary Artery Fistula
Ash
Amys
Andrea
Alvin
Austin
Anamosa
A+’s
Astoria
Algebra
Aesbestos
Aspirin
Amonia for Chuckles
Avenue A
Avoidance
Abandonment
AA
AAA
A+ Cert
Access
AMc
Access Unlimited
Answers
Available
Annoyed
Angry
Apprehensive
Attack(ed)
Aggressive
Absolutely
Afterlife
Admin
Addresses
Apply
Kid A
Away
Arrival
Alcohol
Associative
Asleep
ARK
*
Life Changes
My life changed
Life changed
This life change
I was there
two summers
and a spring
before the fall
a good looking body
in this town
walks by every
ten feet
what counts 99%
is that smile
that nurturing hand
that look
that touch
the hold
the bright eyes
my cassette recorder
and my baby Washburn
it's been awhile
first time back
couldn't let her go
couldn't leave her abandoned so
Have to take things
to the edge
the brink of desperation
and disaster
have to see firsthand
despair nearing so close
have to get to the point
of using loose change
have to visit Coinstar
to get whole bills
to get whole quarters
for toilet paper and laundry
Driving to NYC
all things kept
packed into the back
and two small dogs
taking turns in my lap
every gas station
every stop
every highway
seemed familiar
until you reach
the Verranzano Bridge
traffic
motions
old buildings neck to neck
breathing and pulse are faster
all anticipation of
things to unfold
all the stories and shows
you've seen and heard
are now in your presence
down each and every successive turn
redifining myself/ourselves
redefining our presence and
purpose on this earth
When away from home
and sitting on a bench
you can feel the drive
and wishes come so alive
but when we get back
where I become so easily distracted
the wish has faded and pushed aside
and the dream is no longer there
distractions are anxiously awaiting
*
SUBWAY/NEW YORK
Down in the subway
there's merchants and doctors
down in the subway
i think i'm gonna holler
down in the subway there's men beggin for dollars
down in the subway
among the alien herds
down in the subway
i feel a little taller (smaller)
i'm with a crowd
so innocent and pure
their rollercoaster waves
they need a cure (in search of)
someone's after me
can't see for the seai
take a deep breath
and the cold keeps me
it's you know
like they say it is
big, harsh, dirty
but it has a history
the sun is crisp
and the clouds are gay
moonlight shine over
birds of prey
have you ever been somewhere
you knew you weren't gonna be
at that particular place
for all eternity
where the leaves change colors
and the bars hold you in
soft lane fire glows
and the doorframes are rotten
if i were old
i'd be dyin
the lines stay open
past midnight
lane fire leggin
cold finger snappin
why are we here at Watts
we should be over on Barrow
don't underestimate
the hangover tomorrow
yellow shack on the
corner of 6th and Broadway
poor man washing
his dirt shield laundry
couples glance then stare
hold hands together
if someone wants to pay for a beer
i'll stay up here
all night
deeply depressed
in the city of stress
watching the other guy
in his moment of glory
jealous of any success story
this is a place of quiet
of pause and solitude
conversation's trivial
just a touch of attitude
it's like a holding place
for a ghost like me
it's a private stay
puts holes in me
unfamiliarity
keeps me
CONNECTION/IN MY HEAD
i want to connect
but i got no angle
i push myself back
to the back of the world
all the angry voices
are putting me down
i'm not answering
except with a bite
and a severed bone
sitting, lonely, angry, baloney
got to go and be
apart from the crowd again
it's got something to do
but nowhere to go
get real
be real
what's going on
between you and the cloud
how many times have
you sat in quiet
then thinking back
wished you had
something to say
in my head
the streets a racing
the plurals are known
the gate's at home
in my headeye's ahead
but still astray and shivering
noises around
but all is still
in my head
can't see for the sea
can't stand to get down on my knees
the best brand
is all you ever drink
life liberty and the
pursuit of a blue satin shirt
sometime in my life
i gotta get up a little earlier
sometime in my life
gotta get out from inside the walls
and one of these days
i'll say hi to my neighbor
and talk about the days events
and never ever mention weather
this is a place of quiet
of pause and solitude
conversation's trivial
just a touch of attitude
it's like a holding place
for a ghost like me
it's a private stay
puts holes in me
unfamiliarity
keeps me
keep my mind
on what's important here
TK/SR/AND ALL THOSE SOBSWHO THINK THEY CAN CONTROL ME
there's nothing grand in
no democracy of communication
i don't want a confrontation
bump me on the shoulder
and i'll apologize
tell me to work on Xmas
i'll never bat an eye
can't figure out
why things always turn out bad for me
i put my heart and soul to it
but my soul still feels so empty
get real
be real
sob
HENRY
no more pieces of henry
no more pieces of pie
no more feelings of envy
no more dreaming at night
dealing with life
requests denied
my only friend
"just like little dogs"
JOB
there's no one here by that name
call again tomorrow
call again some other day
call again and again
the employer is the lazy one
this job is for sale
the job for sale is up for bid
are you a happy person
you do what you want
you get it every day
there's life in the decay
wanted, men for slavery
get a pack every day
WRITING
i don't want to do this
i can't wait til Xmas
stones in the barnyard
they'll be doing the two-step to this very shortly
what the fuck is that
don't overblow your mind
with blatt
close this book
it's not for kids
i'm losing my eyes
i broke ground today
not a sound in the way
the wallpaper lid's in the door
sob
how am i supposed
to care and give a shit
at the same time
write it out then dispose of it
nothing doing
with nothing to do
too much detail
ruins the spirit of the whole thing
the best song i ever wrote
was never finished
the chords didn't quite ring
the notes didn't want to sing
words came to a breakneck stop
my teeth were turning green
nothing matters
but it's not a joke
good morning pages
bad morning days
what difference does it make
what lengths will i take
gotta get out on my own
gotta do that thing again
the thing that frustrates me
the thing that doubts me
that i doubt myself
misinterpretation is not
my problem
the sunlight hit
the page just so
i could see finally
the marks i was making
no longer need to subject me
to that sort of scrutiny
it's a critical success
my humblest work at best
what i hunger for
is yet to be
what is printed, written, or projected
plainly I cannot see
I'll be making a living from my writing
long after
your grandchildren are dead
LIFE/DEATH
all things pass
including me
including you
don't be so down
on your bluestreak
it's good for the feet
they go slow
bound to past
living up to history
tied to family
love is around
i just don't want to live up to that crap
no real vacation
gonna have to play host
to older men and women
for when I do begin to die
these days of struggle and strife
are preparing me for the ultimate fight
to breathe thes last few precious breaths
and taste the last morsels before death
FIGHTING/WOMEN
the fights are getting boring
the night frogs are snoring
nonsense for nothing
now all we do is fight
come on come on
we staged a run
let's peel the light
nothing could ever shake you from the grips of your girl
alot of people want my baby
but my baby only wants me
same place
same time
you are the only thing
ever on my mind
sweet Katarina
meet me at the cantina
quiet quiet sunday
tell me something
someday
that you'll never ever
be alone
why are we here at Watts
we should be over on Barrow
don't underestimate
the hangover tomorrow
yellow shack on the
corner of 6th and Broadway
poor man washing
his dirt shield laundry
couples glance then stare
hold hands together
her hands curled up
in her sleeves
her nose pinch
smile snowy white
eyes are what make
the earth open up
and swallow me
like a bread crumb
shell around her head
mittens on her hand
long coat down to
her knees
does she have a man
what would he be
nothing like me
he probably has money
and a job in the city
a house in the burbs
and a car near the curb
they got things together
like mutual love
honesty and power
thrown together
like some omelette
I should stop staring
magnetizing her
it didn't matter what i said to you
it doesn't matter what i don't or i do
every emotion i ever had
took second place to what your dad had
*
What was said by you
What I said to you
Hands waving in the air
Waving to say hello
Waving to thank the World
for the beautiful moment
we encroached ourselves upon
Waving to conduct
our hearts’ beating in time
along with
the day’s music and beauty we’ve found
*
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WHEN AND WHAT I WISHED TO PLAY
4th Grade, each student starting band lessons
We each talk with the conductor about what instrument we wished to play I really really knew the drums were what I wanted to play
however, one day I saw a 6th grader walking onto the schoolyard with his trombone case
The image of him carrying that oblong instrument looked really really cool
"Uh, maybe trombone" was my response to the conductor
"Wonderful" she said, informing me that her husband and her son also played the trombone as well as another really smart high schooler who was going to the Air Force Academy next year, all of whom I had seen play for Xmas at our church once a year
A few years later the conductor tells all of us in band that she was looking for some new drummers, and any student who wanted to switch the instruments they were learning should have a talk with her
Cool! Even though I was first chair of the trombone section, I still felt that initial urge to learn and play the drums.
No, she didn't encourage it for me since I was already doing well at the trombone, and was the first chair lead in fact. Darn. Oh well.
My family moved to Houston, Texas from Colorado 2 years later, and I continued to play with the band down there, but the best chair I got up to was 5th chair. 1 year later we moved to Iowa, and the best chair I got to was 3rd chair. 3 years later we moved back down to Texas, and by then I had quit playing the trombone in band the previous year. I was so upset with trying to keep up with new bands and conductors, I even got into a "fight" with the conductor in Iowa's son because he was trying to get me to go to choir practice one morning. I didn't want anything to do with music anymore. I won our "fight", acutually we wrestled in the front yard of my neighbor's house. He was trying to force me to go to the high school and try-out.
I had gone down to Texas one month earlier than my family, I wanted to be on the football team, which included starting full practices at the end of the summer. I wanted to be a part of the team of macho tough football heroes.
Years later, right after college, my college roommate and some other friends were looking for someone to be the lead singer in their upstart party cover band. No, I was done with music. But somehow I ended up getting involved anyway, thinking that it wouldn't last anyway, and I could make a point that starting a band wasn't going to work.
7 years later, my college roommate and I had been working together in that band, making several changes with the other musicians who played with us, the songs we played, where we played, how often. Of course, that childish boredom in me started to creep in again. Again I was tired of the numerous changes in band-members, and it eventually became a mutual understanding between my old college roommate and I that it was time for him to make a change with his lead-singer.
He also said he was tired of having to continually convince me that this band was a good thing to be doing, being self-employed and playing music. It wasn't perfect all the time as far as our tastes went, but he as the leader had a good network of clubs and parties to be booked regularly and a good steady cash flow had been established. I was not happy, I was bored, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to be behind the cameras on some film or TV show. My girlfriend at the time was determined to come to NYC at this time, and she encouraged me to go with her so I could give my dreams of what I wanted to do a shot. I then worked as a film camera assistant, film electric and grip, numerous production assistant jobs.
One day I got a job with a music studio that provided live band gear for big TV shows and concerts. I never thought about how telling this job was for me, it was just a job at the time. It was nice to go and deliver all of this gear to all of these well-known productions, but it was also gear for live music performances. Huh. Can't seem to get away from music can I.
Since then, I had become a member of a choir and a smaller folk-style singing group. Just had two rehearsals this past week, a Sunday morning performance yesterday, today am going to pick up one of my guitars I loaned to a friend who was one of the numerous band members that played with my college roommate and I, and just went to a benefit concert last week in The Village. What I think I don't wish for ...
We each talk with the conductor about what instrument we wished to play I really really knew the drums were what I wanted to play
however, one day I saw a 6th grader walking onto the schoolyard with his trombone case
The image of him carrying that oblong instrument looked really really cool
"Uh, maybe trombone" was my response to the conductor
"Wonderful" she said, informing me that her husband and her son also played the trombone as well as another really smart high schooler who was going to the Air Force Academy next year, all of whom I had seen play for Xmas at our church once a year
A few years later the conductor tells all of us in band that she was looking for some new drummers, and any student who wanted to switch the instruments they were learning should have a talk with her
Cool! Even though I was first chair of the trombone section, I still felt that initial urge to learn and play the drums.
No, she didn't encourage it for me since I was already doing well at the trombone, and was the first chair lead in fact. Darn. Oh well.
My family moved to Houston, Texas from Colorado 2 years later, and I continued to play with the band down there, but the best chair I got up to was 5th chair. 1 year later we moved to Iowa, and the best chair I got to was 3rd chair. 3 years later we moved back down to Texas, and by then I had quit playing the trombone in band the previous year. I was so upset with trying to keep up with new bands and conductors, I even got into a "fight" with the conductor in Iowa's son because he was trying to get me to go to choir practice one morning. I didn't want anything to do with music anymore. I won our "fight", acutually we wrestled in the front yard of my neighbor's house. He was trying to force me to go to the high school and try-out.
I had gone down to Texas one month earlier than my family, I wanted to be on the football team, which included starting full practices at the end of the summer. I wanted to be a part of the team of macho tough football heroes.
Years later, right after college, my college roommate and some other friends were looking for someone to be the lead singer in their upstart party cover band. No, I was done with music. But somehow I ended up getting involved anyway, thinking that it wouldn't last anyway, and I could make a point that starting a band wasn't going to work.
7 years later, my college roommate and I had been working together in that band, making several changes with the other musicians who played with us, the songs we played, where we played, how often. Of course, that childish boredom in me started to creep in again. Again I was tired of the numerous changes in band-members, and it eventually became a mutual understanding between my old college roommate and I that it was time for him to make a change with his lead-singer.
He also said he was tired of having to continually convince me that this band was a good thing to be doing, being self-employed and playing music. It wasn't perfect all the time as far as our tastes went, but he as the leader had a good network of clubs and parties to be booked regularly and a good steady cash flow had been established. I was not happy, I was bored, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to be behind the cameras on some film or TV show. My girlfriend at the time was determined to come to NYC at this time, and she encouraged me to go with her so I could give my dreams of what I wanted to do a shot. I then worked as a film camera assistant, film electric and grip, numerous production assistant jobs.
One day I got a job with a music studio that provided live band gear for big TV shows and concerts. I never thought about how telling this job was for me, it was just a job at the time. It was nice to go and deliver all of this gear to all of these well-known productions, but it was also gear for live music performances. Huh. Can't seem to get away from music can I.
Since then, I had become a member of a choir and a smaller folk-style singing group. Just had two rehearsals this past week, a Sunday morning performance yesterday, today am going to pick up one of my guitars I loaned to a friend who was one of the numerous band members that played with my college roommate and I, and just went to a benefit concert last week in The Village. What I think I don't wish for ...
WHAT WAS WISHED FOR ONE YEAR
What I wanted for Xmas one young year
A Nike sport duffle bag
It didn't necessarily need to be Nike
But sporty
My grandmother heard about this wish before
she came to visit for the holiday
What she got for me that Xmas was a black "neo-leather" men's business suitcase-handbag
Apparently, I threw a fit, went and pouted in my room out of disappointment.
I didn't wish for a businessman's bag, I was only in the 4th grade and I just wanted a cool sport duffle bag
Word from my folks was that I didn't give anyone the exact description of what I was wishing for.
A few years later my cousins got the soundtrack LP albums to "Saturday Night Fever" and"Grease" for my brother and I for Xmas. We were thrilled as is displayed from the photo my mother had saved, my brother and I with beaming smiles and each holding the albums. Perhaps we (I at least) learn to make our wishes better known then. Nothing worth pouting over that year.
A Nike sport duffle bag
It didn't necessarily need to be Nike
But sporty
My grandmother heard about this wish before
she came to visit for the holiday
What she got for me that Xmas was a black "neo-leather" men's business suitcase-handbag
Apparently, I threw a fit, went and pouted in my room out of disappointment.
I didn't wish for a businessman's bag, I was only in the 4th grade and I just wanted a cool sport duffle bag
Word from my folks was that I didn't give anyone the exact description of what I was wishing for.
A few years later my cousins got the soundtrack LP albums to "Saturday Night Fever" and"Grease" for my brother and I for Xmas. We were thrilled as is displayed from the photo my mother had saved, my brother and I with beaming smiles and each holding the albums. Perhaps we (I at least) learn to make our wishes better known then. Nothing worth pouting over that year.
Playing to Our Wishes
Playing to Our Wishes
or
What I don't wish for
or
Gotta have my own space, kids
Interesting seeing the trend of advertising, mailings, spam, sales calls that we receive more often as of late
Get rich quick schemes
Free, no obligation government grants
Free literature on how to become like the "secret" society of powerful money managing, world-changing circles
Nothing's for Free as we all learn earlier on
through our "credit-worthy" years just out of college
"No", was my answer not long ago to somebody promissing a no-obligation
$30,000 grant from some federal agency,
I'd be damned if I was going to give them any account routing numbers
so they could make a direct "deposit"
Got a 10-page detailed letter describing details of literature
to receive information on how to learn the basic fundamentals of
becoming part of the "secret" powerful circles of money-makers
Although they wanted me to mail back my positive confirmation that
"Yes, send me your packet/s of informative materials on how I can
learn the secrets of the powers of the world's most...powerful people.
"But have to send it in by 1-29-05 to receive their secrets.
The mail only delivered this notice of 10-pages of rambling excuses to convince me to send my postive response, yesterday 1-27-05.
I can tell them, would like to write back to them in a 20-page
rambling sequence of my excuses that "NO, I don't care to receive
your list of tactics to become part of any SECRET circles of power.
I already know the essentials, proven fundamentals:
1. 'a penny saved a penny earned' - (I didn't spend a damn penny today, so I still have a penny in my account, meaning I saved a penny today!)
2. 'nothing's for free' - (Giving any access to my bank account, even
under the guise of it being a simple free deposit is a very hard cost potentially in the future to discover that I have no more pennies that
were saved at various times of saving pennies)
Also it's interesting to see the "appeal" of televsion reality
shows like "The Apprentice". Compete in "real-life" competitions
to run simple business ventures to impress a self-made billionaire
where the final winning contestant earns a high-dollar making job
working for that billionaire. Well, if these young emotionally charged and obviously inmature
individuals were already successful business people, why would
they take any vacations away from their businesses to compete on
what is essentially a TV game show. First of all, I wouldn't trust
any of these people to run any business if they're taking breaks
from their successful careers and clients, and I wouldn't trust
these emotionally charged people to cooperate in any fashion with
other businesses. I did learn some tricks, or I reinforced basic business fundamentals that all of these latest media-trends are playing towards us.
I saved my pennies, and I trust that my pennies that I've saved will
remain up to balance tomorrow because I didn't fall for any
get-rich free money grants...and I also realized that I did a service
to somebody else's economics by spending time watching the paid-for advertising segments of that really stupid TV show about a bunch of previously successful but presently incompetent business-managers squabble over minute personality conflicts, and fire each other from their competitive game-show positions. I don't wish to be manipulated through money-making schemes, nor do I wish to be manipulated by fear of losing any potential job offers. I don't wish to be teased by any of these grossly ridiculous schemes. I don't wish to run my life through the attraction of money. Got my basics, got my little pennies. I have all that I need. I also have learned to screen phone calls, throw away mail/email I'm not expecting, and have spam and pop-up blockers on my internet connections.
P.S. - Of course, out of suspicion, I wonder what schemes will come about when people have learned to get through screening of phone calls, pop-up and spam blocking. Nothing to fear, just annoying disturbances like a bunch of emotionally charged kids trying to make an impression. I suppose I am also learning to be a parent, even though I don't have any children, through all of this. I wish these "children" would stop making so much noise, go do their own homework, and stop asking me for everything. I wouldn't be the most giving of parents, I wouldn't be mean, but "gotta have my own space, kids."
or
What I don't wish for
or
Gotta have my own space, kids
Interesting seeing the trend of advertising, mailings, spam, sales calls that we receive more often as of late
Get rich quick schemes
Free, no obligation government grants
Free literature on how to become like the "secret" society of powerful money managing, world-changing circles
Nothing's for Free as we all learn earlier on
through our "credit-worthy" years just out of college
"No", was my answer not long ago to somebody promissing a no-obligation
$30,000 grant from some federal agency,
I'd be damned if I was going to give them any account routing numbers
so they could make a direct "deposit"
Got a 10-page detailed letter describing details of literature
to receive information on how to learn the basic fundamentals of
becoming part of the "secret" powerful circles of money-makers
Although they wanted me to mail back my positive confirmation that
"Yes, send me your packet/s of informative materials on how I can
learn the secrets of the powers of the world's most...powerful people.
"But have to send it in by 1-29-05 to receive their secrets.
The mail only delivered this notice of 10-pages of rambling excuses to convince me to send my postive response, yesterday 1-27-05.
I can tell them, would like to write back to them in a 20-page
rambling sequence of my excuses that "NO, I don't care to receive
your list of tactics to become part of any SECRET circles of power.
I already know the essentials, proven fundamentals:
1. 'a penny saved a penny earned' - (I didn't spend a damn penny today, so I still have a penny in my account, meaning I saved a penny today!)
2. 'nothing's for free' - (Giving any access to my bank account, even
under the guise of it being a simple free deposit is a very hard cost potentially in the future to discover that I have no more pennies that
were saved at various times of saving pennies)
Also it's interesting to see the "appeal" of televsion reality
shows like "The Apprentice". Compete in "real-life" competitions
to run simple business ventures to impress a self-made billionaire
where the final winning contestant earns a high-dollar making job
working for that billionaire. Well, if these young emotionally charged and obviously inmature
individuals were already successful business people, why would
they take any vacations away from their businesses to compete on
what is essentially a TV game show. First of all, I wouldn't trust
any of these people to run any business if they're taking breaks
from their successful careers and clients, and I wouldn't trust
these emotionally charged people to cooperate in any fashion with
other businesses. I did learn some tricks, or I reinforced basic business fundamentals that all of these latest media-trends are playing towards us.
I saved my pennies, and I trust that my pennies that I've saved will
remain up to balance tomorrow because I didn't fall for any
get-rich free money grants...and I also realized that I did a service
to somebody else's economics by spending time watching the paid-for advertising segments of that really stupid TV show about a bunch of previously successful but presently incompetent business-managers squabble over minute personality conflicts, and fire each other from their competitive game-show positions. I don't wish to be manipulated through money-making schemes, nor do I wish to be manipulated by fear of losing any potential job offers. I don't wish to be teased by any of these grossly ridiculous schemes. I don't wish to run my life through the attraction of money. Got my basics, got my little pennies. I have all that I need. I also have learned to screen phone calls, throw away mail/email I'm not expecting, and have spam and pop-up blockers on my internet connections.
P.S. - Of course, out of suspicion, I wonder what schemes will come about when people have learned to get through screening of phone calls, pop-up and spam blocking. Nothing to fear, just annoying disturbances like a bunch of emotionally charged kids trying to make an impression. I suppose I am also learning to be a parent, even though I don't have any children, through all of this. I wish these "children" would stop making so much noise, go do their own homework, and stop asking me for everything. I wouldn't be the most giving of parents, I wouldn't be mean, but "gotta have my own space, kids."
My Movie Stars
are most likely those who create the movies...
those who write the stories...
those who direct the actors and actresses...
and place the cameras, lighting and design the sets...
The Auteurs, The Authors of Movies are my Movie Stars
Although I couldn’t argue having a quiet romantic evening with
Katherine Ross, Sean Young, or even Daryl Hannah’s characters
Perhaps like when I was choosing a college to attend,
I hadn't yet decided on my "chosen" profession or
skill involved in making movies
I haven't even been actively pursuing a career in
the movies after a few times as a Camera Assistant, an Electric
and a Film Grip. Although a friend's ex-girlfriend
came to visit in NYC this past Xmas, she works for
FOX Films out in Los Angeles and we've somehow stayed
in touch over the years. But I hate Los Angeles.
Love NYC. Was out seeing some friends play with their
band at a club last year, and afterwards a young couple
approached me asking about my degree at UT since they
also had gotten degrees with the same Film department.
The young lady asked me what was my favorite class,
and as soon as I mentioned the class titled "The American Dream",
we all raised our arms and talked about how great that class and
professor Ramirez was.
The fact that I have these
photos and notes on links at the bottom of my emails,
and have been recontacted by people with similar
interests brings back a lot of youthful memories.
I do remember another professor telling our class of Narrative
Strategies that to be a filmmaker, one should practice the art of
writing. And to write, write, write, write, and write.
I understood, but I've never taken that to heart fully.
I did write a short screenplay for a short story from a
science-fiction magazine that I was intrigued by when in school.
That was fun, a lot of work, I never did anything with it but had
sent it to the friend's ex out in L.A. several years ago
when I first heard she was working for a major Film company.
Sunday night watched "Homeland Security" on
regular broadcast. I was skeptical, but stuck with
it after it started, since it looked well-produced, well-acted,
adventurous, and because it was a true storyline that touched
everyone, especially those of us in NYC. Was the first time
I felt I could sit and watch a drama on the subject of that
time from a somewhat objective view.
I was hooked into it and am today glad I took the chance
at watching the made for TV drama based on real lifeevents.
Additional notes I remember:
Farah Fawcett was rumoredly also an alumnus of U. of Texas
Richard Linklater also a U.Texas alum who worked on an oil rig
in the Gulf of Mexico to make money to finanace
his debut filmmaking career with "Slacker"
(and the money apparently is good for guys who go
down to help with the rigs)
In NYC I worked at S.I.R. Studios providing backline musical
gear and P.A. equipment for numerous broadcast shows in NYC.
David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Saturday Night Live, the Grammy
Awards at Radio City Music Hall, etc...
I briefly met the singer Bjork
once backstage at Saturday Night Live eating snacks at the
guest's buffet. We didn't talk, but she smiled really
thankfully when I let her cut in front of me.
Another legendary Movie Star, I rode in a loading dock elevator
with Joe Pesci while I was delivering a keyboard up to Elton
John's hotel suite in Manhattan. Mr. Pesci and I were riding
up above the tenth floor, but we first were stopped by another
resident at the first floor. The new resident had been out
jogging, was out of breath and sweaty, and rides up only one
more floor. As soon as the elevator doors closed - so Mr. Pesci,
his party of people and myself could continue up to our intended
destinations higher up - out of Mr. Pesci's mouth blurts a comment
about the excercising passenger who interrupted our ride for one
measly floor. I wanted to bust out laughing, but kept a sense
of my own decorum. Inside my mind I was thinking how cool
that was to hear Joe Pesci speak of words and a tone that only
he is known for, at least in the cinematic world. Made my year.
those who write the stories...
those who direct the actors and actresses...
and place the cameras, lighting and design the sets...
The Auteurs, The Authors of Movies are my Movie Stars
Although I couldn’t argue having a quiet romantic evening with
Katherine Ross, Sean Young, or even Daryl Hannah’s characters
Perhaps like when I was choosing a college to attend,
I hadn't yet decided on my "chosen" profession or
skill involved in making movies
I haven't even been actively pursuing a career in
the movies after a few times as a Camera Assistant, an Electric
and a Film Grip. Although a friend's ex-girlfriend
came to visit in NYC this past Xmas, she works for
FOX Films out in Los Angeles and we've somehow stayed
in touch over the years. But I hate Los Angeles.
Love NYC. Was out seeing some friends play with their
band at a club last year, and afterwards a young couple
approached me asking about my degree at UT since they
also had gotten degrees with the same Film department.
The young lady asked me what was my favorite class,
and as soon as I mentioned the class titled "The American Dream",
we all raised our arms and talked about how great that class and
professor Ramirez was.
The fact that I have these
photos and notes on links at the bottom of my emails,
and have been recontacted by people with similar
interests brings back a lot of youthful memories.
I do remember another professor telling our class of Narrative
Strategies that to be a filmmaker, one should practice the art of
writing. And to write, write, write, write, and write.
I understood, but I've never taken that to heart fully.
I did write a short screenplay for a short story from a
science-fiction magazine that I was intrigued by when in school.
That was fun, a lot of work, I never did anything with it but had
sent it to the friend's ex out in L.A. several years ago
when I first heard she was working for a major Film company.
Sunday night watched "Homeland Security" on
regular broadcast. I was skeptical, but stuck with
it after it started, since it looked well-produced, well-acted,
adventurous, and because it was a true storyline that touched
everyone, especially those of us in NYC. Was the first time
I felt I could sit and watch a drama on the subject of that
time from a somewhat objective view.
I was hooked into it and am today glad I took the chance
at watching the made for TV drama based on real lifeevents.
Additional notes I remember:
Farah Fawcett was rumoredly also an alumnus of U. of Texas
Richard Linklater also a U.Texas alum who worked on an oil rig
in the Gulf of Mexico to make money to finanace
his debut filmmaking career with "Slacker"
(and the money apparently is good for guys who go
down to help with the rigs)
In NYC I worked at S.I.R. Studios providing backline musical
gear and P.A. equipment for numerous broadcast shows in NYC.
David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Saturday Night Live, the Grammy
Awards at Radio City Music Hall, etc...
I briefly met the singer Bjork
once backstage at Saturday Night Live eating snacks at the
guest's buffet. We didn't talk, but she smiled really
thankfully when I let her cut in front of me.
Another legendary Movie Star, I rode in a loading dock elevator
with Joe Pesci while I was delivering a keyboard up to Elton
John's hotel suite in Manhattan. Mr. Pesci and I were riding
up above the tenth floor, but we first were stopped by another
resident at the first floor. The new resident had been out
jogging, was out of breath and sweaty, and rides up only one
more floor. As soon as the elevator doors closed - so Mr. Pesci,
his party of people and myself could continue up to our intended
destinations higher up - out of Mr. Pesci's mouth blurts a comment
about the excercising passenger who interrupted our ride for one
measly floor. I wanted to bust out laughing, but kept a sense
of my own decorum. Inside my mind I was thinking how cool
that was to hear Joe Pesci speak of words and a tone that only
he is known for, at least in the cinematic world. Made my year.
INDECISIVENESS
When indecisiveness occurs
there is a lack of confidence, a lack of no fear
a pessimistic outlook takes over, and other’s cynical/pessimistic opinions and attitudes seem to take on more value than one instinctively knows are not a positive or productive way to move forward
leads to self doubt
leads to regarding the self as incapable, incompetent, uncommitted, unworthy, undeserving, marking the self as a loser
the kind nature one might have at this point will back away from stepping on anyone’s toes, and opt to make the self suffer first, letting somebody else enjoy the victory and let them have the “gold star”
even carry a guilt trip for being involved in the midst of a bad experience
leads to lack of fortitude and purpose, responsibility, accountability
and a lack of action on own accord without a desperate need to do so, or without someone else’s prodding
lack of confidence in own mindset leads to relying on others’ opinions on what to do, what should be done
which leads to additional confusion, unsurity, and insecurity
leads to blindness about what/if to do anything at all
leads to an image of weakness for failure to make decisions quickly and follow through a complete thought-out plan
turns into our acceptance of and surrendering to those labels of weakness, incompetence, unknowledgeable and finally giving in to and deciding to live with (up to) that label
all this builds up to that person’s entire personality surrendering to a state of confusion, frustration, anger, bitterness, becoming isolated
we reach a point where we decide to control HOW we deal with those feelings of isolation and which paths we lead on to, asking the question do we learn to stay focused
no matter what obstacles or opinions are in front of us
learn to take into account the good and positive qualities in us, to never discount those positive things that we’ve allowed the negatives to overwhelm
we learn to give up our share in contol, to trust that things may be different but it’s OK for us to allow things to fall into place after we’re confident we’ve made all the necessary preparations and assessments and made a DECISION
there is a lack of confidence, a lack of no fear
a pessimistic outlook takes over, and other’s cynical/pessimistic opinions and attitudes seem to take on more value than one instinctively knows are not a positive or productive way to move forward
leads to self doubt
leads to regarding the self as incapable, incompetent, uncommitted, unworthy, undeserving, marking the self as a loser
the kind nature one might have at this point will back away from stepping on anyone’s toes, and opt to make the self suffer first, letting somebody else enjoy the victory and let them have the “gold star”
even carry a guilt trip for being involved in the midst of a bad experience
leads to lack of fortitude and purpose, responsibility, accountability
and a lack of action on own accord without a desperate need to do so, or without someone else’s prodding
lack of confidence in own mindset leads to relying on others’ opinions on what to do, what should be done
which leads to additional confusion, unsurity, and insecurity
leads to blindness about what/if to do anything at all
leads to an image of weakness for failure to make decisions quickly and follow through a complete thought-out plan
turns into our acceptance of and surrendering to those labels of weakness, incompetence, unknowledgeable and finally giving in to and deciding to live with (up to) that label
all this builds up to that person’s entire personality surrendering to a state of confusion, frustration, anger, bitterness, becoming isolated
we reach a point where we decide to control HOW we deal with those feelings of isolation and which paths we lead on to, asking the question do we learn to stay focused
no matter what obstacles or opinions are in front of us
learn to take into account the good and positive qualities in us, to never discount those positive things that we’ve allowed the negatives to overwhelm
we learn to give up our share in contol, to trust that things may be different but it’s OK for us to allow things to fall into place after we’re confident we’ve made all the necessary preparations and assessments and made a DECISION
Fear, within me
I remember you saying, once approved it'll last forever
but now that you're away
what will we believe
now we can't rely on anything you would say
Now I fear
going to those places of memory
as if I were returning
to the scene of a crime
Now I live
in constant expectation of bad news
always intent to look over the shoulder
paranoid of living in a police-state
Now somebody new
questions
why live in fear
why speak of it
and I have to bite my tongue
I have to consider my words
to not lose hope
and continue common everyday civilities
am now emotionally frozen
I expect to be sinking hard
from now on
part of an expected
daily venture
to kid
everyone now who questions
the kid
especially me
but now that you're away
what will we believe
now we can't rely on anything you would say
Now I fear
going to those places of memory
as if I were returning
to the scene of a crime
Now I live
in constant expectation of bad news
always intent to look over the shoulder
paranoid of living in a police-state
Now somebody new
questions
why live in fear
why speak of it
and I have to bite my tongue
I have to consider my words
to not lose hope
and continue common everyday civilities
am now emotionally frozen
I expect to be sinking hard
from now on
part of an expected
daily venture
to kid
everyone now who questions
the kid
especially me
resume for JackOTrade
Experiences: listing of jobs that always seem to come about by accident, never gotten through the traditional means of networking nor interviewing techiniques that so many help/support job clubs are programmed to shove down our throats
Internet Boom Job
- balanced a proprietary client’s strict guidlines for its gov’t restrictions of
monitoring and hosting of internet services.- a new Competetive Local
Exchange Carrier’s expanding and growing business dedicated primarily
to establishing its sales image
- lack of engineering support for a complex backend of systems and
software that were initially expensive to put in production, expensive to
upgrade and maintain without extensive training and knowledge, and
were also prime for the numerous incompatibilities of the continuous
accumulation of new products on the market
- not a job that ever would have been of interest except for the fact that
after getting fired from from previous job, unfairly mind you, and
hearing about this “opportunity” from another guy who got fired from
that same job, but who always stayed in contact with the staff by coming
in to sell marijuana.
... in actuality this came about at a time when money and finding a new place to live were priorities, the second time this situation came about. A true NYC experience. Family was proud that I had gotten a job in computers which at the time was a hot field to be involved in, it was an impressive and important responsibility, was a test of my determination to make the most of this opportunity, learn what I could, and have a legitimate corporate environment experience. Sadly this job was coming to an (amicable) end in the fall of 2001, after I was diagnosed with a disability in the Spring, 2 months after I had made a trip to reunite with a sibling in Alaska, and after a disastrous and terrifying act of war on our country that occurred six weeks previous to the final ending of this job, all of which including an interview during the Spring at the WTC North Tower 77th floor prompted countless sessions with a therapist to deal with loss of work, loss of health, loss of the magic of the city…loss of everything.
Dream job in world of entertainment
- exiciting opportunity to work with and around many notorious
entertainment personalities, shows, and thus annoyingly brag to old
friends and family back West.
- continued to associate with people who like to smoke and drink thus
continuing to build and reinforce the bad habits obtained towards the
end of previous job, and ultimately burning any dreams or care of what
was idealized in the B.S. (bullshit) throwaway degree that would
sarcastically label its earner as a professional “basket-weaver”.
...in actuality, was a nice way to be introduced to NYC, a nice way to cap
off the previous experience as a performer, a wonderful experience to work at what I would have perceived as the perfect dream job introducing me to the technical support environment for the #2 coast/market of production, and additionally was a relief (and reward) at a time when I was breaking off a relationship (amicably) and searching for a new residence. A remarkable transitional period.
Self-fulfillment job
- received countless commendations for being talented and a regularly
anticipated performer
- met many nice young ladies, didn’t settle for one that will always remain
in the back of the mind as “the one”
- started to drink, smoke, didn’t learn any practical experiences that would
lead to practical career advancement opportunities, but lead more to a
jaded and isolated personality (one would brag that they were on a few
occasions interrupted at dinner in public by so-called
“admirers”)...the ending result being that none of the nice young lady
companions would be stupid enough to have stayed involved with a
burned-out old rock-and-roller type (including justifiably) the one lady
whom this rock-and-roller decided was the final conquest and moved
to a large distant city with but broke off their relationship due to the
inability of that jaded rock-and-roller’s capacity to meet the everyday
necessities of any respectable companion.
B.S. (BullShit) Degree in watching TV, film and listening to music
- perfect for the youth of the TV generation, a person who spent way too
much time watching television growing up
- a waste of opportunity to get a decent college education and family
resources as well as what was at the time a very affordable and low-cost expense of tuition
- has absolutely no benefit other than this person luckily received a
degree after having countless drinking episodes that called for meetings
with the Resident Counselor and the Dean of Housing- lucky also in that
this person stupidly and defiantly went against his past reputation for
doin well in school and achieved a meager Grade Point Average when
letting grades slip after knowingly ignoring drop deadlines
...in actuality, learned about the storyline processes and qualities of production that make productions critically acclaimed in cultural and acadmic environments.
CERTIFICATES OF AUTHENTICITY, HONORABLE-MENTION AND PARTICIPANT AWARDS
(about, like, Schmidt’s tokens)
Internet Boom Job
- balanced a proprietary client’s strict guidlines for its gov’t restrictions of
monitoring and hosting of internet services.- a new Competetive Local
Exchange Carrier’s expanding and growing business dedicated primarily
to establishing its sales image
- lack of engineering support for a complex backend of systems and
software that were initially expensive to put in production, expensive to
upgrade and maintain without extensive training and knowledge, and
were also prime for the numerous incompatibilities of the continuous
accumulation of new products on the market
- not a job that ever would have been of interest except for the fact that
after getting fired from from previous job, unfairly mind you, and
hearing about this “opportunity” from another guy who got fired from
that same job, but who always stayed in contact with the staff by coming
in to sell marijuana.
... in actuality this came about at a time when money and finding a new place to live were priorities, the second time this situation came about. A true NYC experience. Family was proud that I had gotten a job in computers which at the time was a hot field to be involved in, it was an impressive and important responsibility, was a test of my determination to make the most of this opportunity, learn what I could, and have a legitimate corporate environment experience. Sadly this job was coming to an (amicable) end in the fall of 2001, after I was diagnosed with a disability in the Spring, 2 months after I had made a trip to reunite with a sibling in Alaska, and after a disastrous and terrifying act of war on our country that occurred six weeks previous to the final ending of this job, all of which including an interview during the Spring at the WTC North Tower 77th floor prompted countless sessions with a therapist to deal with loss of work, loss of health, loss of the magic of the city…loss of everything.
Dream job in world of entertainment
- exiciting opportunity to work with and around many notorious
entertainment personalities, shows, and thus annoyingly brag to old
friends and family back West.
- continued to associate with people who like to smoke and drink thus
continuing to build and reinforce the bad habits obtained towards the
end of previous job, and ultimately burning any dreams or care of what
was idealized in the B.S. (bullshit) throwaway degree that would
sarcastically label its earner as a professional “basket-weaver”.
...in actuality, was a nice way to be introduced to NYC, a nice way to cap
off the previous experience as a performer, a wonderful experience to work at what I would have perceived as the perfect dream job introducing me to the technical support environment for the #2 coast/market of production, and additionally was a relief (and reward) at a time when I was breaking off a relationship (amicably) and searching for a new residence. A remarkable transitional period.
Self-fulfillment job
- received countless commendations for being talented and a regularly
anticipated performer
- met many nice young ladies, didn’t settle for one that will always remain
in the back of the mind as “the one”
- started to drink, smoke, didn’t learn any practical experiences that would
lead to practical career advancement opportunities, but lead more to a
jaded and isolated personality (one would brag that they were on a few
occasions interrupted at dinner in public by so-called
“admirers”)...the ending result being that none of the nice young lady
companions would be stupid enough to have stayed involved with a
burned-out old rock-and-roller type (including justifiably) the one lady
whom this rock-and-roller decided was the final conquest and moved
to a large distant city with but broke off their relationship due to the
inability of that jaded rock-and-roller’s capacity to meet the everyday
necessities of any respectable companion.
B.S. (BullShit) Degree in watching TV, film and listening to music
- perfect for the youth of the TV generation, a person who spent way too
much time watching television growing up
- a waste of opportunity to get a decent college education and family
resources as well as what was at the time a very affordable and low-cost expense of tuition
- has absolutely no benefit other than this person luckily received a
degree after having countless drinking episodes that called for meetings
with the Resident Counselor and the Dean of Housing- lucky also in that
this person stupidly and defiantly went against his past reputation for
doin well in school and achieved a meager Grade Point Average when
letting grades slip after knowingly ignoring drop deadlines
...in actuality, learned about the storyline processes and qualities of production that make productions critically acclaimed in cultural and acadmic environments.
CERTIFICATES OF AUTHENTICITY, HONORABLE-MENTION AND PARTICIPANT AWARDS
(about, like, Schmidt’s tokens)
Visual Artistr - Y
The photograph
The images and paintings
They could be accúrate
It may be
The lines are straight
The colors correct
A rare moment saved and recorded
Can you see
Perhaps it’s different
With the edges blurred and
The shadows darker
Than they would be
Unintentional or unprepared
Things get smudged
The mood and interpretation of the moment
Where perhaps the artist purposely framed it so
Visual Artistr- Y
The abstract interpretations or
Personal perspective of places in time
Do you see?
The images and paintings
They could be accúrate
It may be
The lines are straight
The colors correct
A rare moment saved and recorded
Can you see
Perhaps it’s different
With the edges blurred and
The shadows darker
Than they would be
Unintentional or unprepared
Things get smudged
The mood and interpretation of the moment
Where perhaps the artist purposely framed it so
Visual Artistr- Y
The abstract interpretations or
Personal perspective of places in time
Do you see?
Plants
I wasn't intrigued by the subject
It didn't prompt me to be creative
I was eager to be a part of another semester
of creative writing
The more I've thought about it
I was thinking back on any
experiences in my life that would justify to myself
writing something creative
concerning a theme of plants
I wasn't eager to writeI wasn't eager to write about plants
It didn't have a direct connectionwith me
Or do plants have a connection
more directly than I was willing
to think about
Thinking more, and more,
a lot of memories from
childhood
Difficult to sift through
Perhaps I have some issues with
plants
My mother and father loved plants
plants in their lawn and landscape
plants in our home
they opened a plant shop I remember
next to a home they purchased, refurbished
and sold to a young family from Vietnam
they were also hearbroken when
all the plants they loved that
thrived in the humid Texas climate
died from the cold when being moved
to Iowa
the plant store they had opened with
another couple was closed when their"partnership" was becoming unpleasant
One of my weekly jobs was mowing and raking
our home and church lawns
A combination of it being
a way to occupy the free time of a growing boy
and being the son of a parent who
was raised on a farm and became a caregiver to others on or near farmlands
As I became an adult,
I've not been an avid plant fan
Too much work
Too much nurturing
Too much care and need for space and positioning in proper sunlight
I was too busy with my life, my wants
My living spaces were limited
However, I seem to always carry a respect for
the needs of plants in a busy world
I've been fascinated on how this
large city has been conscious of creating
wonderful parks with trees and green grass
I also would always be sure to throw a cigarette butt
away from at least the roots of trees or young plants
I always feel intrusive when walking on a busy sidewalk
not to step too swiftly by a brush reaching over and
across somebody's fence in the neighborhood
I remember getting in a lot of trouble when young
for accompanying an older kid to go and knock over
and destroy a neighbor's vegetable garden
He said it would be cool
I thought he was cool, or at least was impressionable
to think he and it were both cool
My father made me go sit down with the
neighbor to listen to her cry and say how
disappointed she was to see me be a part of something
that was destructive to her garden
My father then told me that I was to give the money
that he was going to use to buy me a new bicycle to her
Not long after, that heart-broken lady soon became
my piano-teacher
What a series of remarkable and difficult lessons to be taught
A lesson on how not to treat people
A lesson on how not to treat things that people spend alot of time and care growing and nurturing
A lesson on forgiveness
A lesson on nurturing a young failure and nurturing some respect into the youthful child that wasn't
seeing the results of the others' caring around him
This was a difficult theme to write through
What an analogy that plants represent
about the caring and nurturing the caretakers of the planet Earth practice and need themselves to their task
to be good caretakers of all things living.
It didn't prompt me to be creative
I was eager to be a part of another semester
of creative writing
The more I've thought about it
I was thinking back on any
experiences in my life that would justify to myself
writing something creative
concerning a theme of plants
I wasn't eager to writeI wasn't eager to write about plants
It didn't have a direct connectionwith me
Or do plants have a connection
more directly than I was willing
to think about
Thinking more, and more,
a lot of memories from
childhood
Difficult to sift through
Perhaps I have some issues with
plants
My mother and father loved plants
plants in their lawn and landscape
plants in our home
they opened a plant shop I remember
next to a home they purchased, refurbished
and sold to a young family from Vietnam
they were also hearbroken when
all the plants they loved that
thrived in the humid Texas climate
died from the cold when being moved
to Iowa
the plant store they had opened with
another couple was closed when their"partnership" was becoming unpleasant
One of my weekly jobs was mowing and raking
our home and church lawns
A combination of it being
a way to occupy the free time of a growing boy
and being the son of a parent who
was raised on a farm and became a caregiver to others on or near farmlands
As I became an adult,
I've not been an avid plant fan
Too much work
Too much nurturing
Too much care and need for space and positioning in proper sunlight
I was too busy with my life, my wants
My living spaces were limited
However, I seem to always carry a respect for
the needs of plants in a busy world
I've been fascinated on how this
large city has been conscious of creating
wonderful parks with trees and green grass
I also would always be sure to throw a cigarette butt
away from at least the roots of trees or young plants
I always feel intrusive when walking on a busy sidewalk
not to step too swiftly by a brush reaching over and
across somebody's fence in the neighborhood
I remember getting in a lot of trouble when young
for accompanying an older kid to go and knock over
and destroy a neighbor's vegetable garden
He said it would be cool
I thought he was cool, or at least was impressionable
to think he and it were both cool
My father made me go sit down with the
neighbor to listen to her cry and say how
disappointed she was to see me be a part of something
that was destructive to her garden
My father then told me that I was to give the money
that he was going to use to buy me a new bicycle to her
Not long after, that heart-broken lady soon became
my piano-teacher
What a series of remarkable and difficult lessons to be taught
A lesson on how not to treat people
A lesson on how not to treat things that people spend alot of time and care growing and nurturing
A lesson on forgiveness
A lesson on nurturing a young failure and nurturing some respect into the youthful child that wasn't
seeing the results of the others' caring around him
This was a difficult theme to write through
What an analogy that plants represent
about the caring and nurturing the caretakers of the planet Earth practice and need themselves to their task
to be good caretakers of all things living.
Childish Words
Childish Things
A Children's Sermon
Toys for Children
How Children grow
Speaks like a Child
Childhood possessions
Childhood obsessions with our childlike wonders
Childhood obsessions with our own children
Childish outlook
With the eyes of a child
Childish habits
A writer is always writing
no matter what state of mind they may be in
And the writer always keeps the current deadline in mind
An example of this is how much I had to drink last night
but was determined to type out an email to a close friend
in answer to their email wondering if I had gotten home OK
At home by 1:30AM, a little topsy, eager to inform the concerned
mother of her own 3 daughters about the safety of her inebriated
friend yesterday, and a little information about my topsy evening of returning home. Am now up at 6AM to type on these topics of "Childish Words".
home (1:30am last night)
home again
home again
Actually Chris and I rode out to Astoria, to O'Hanlon's Irish
Pub at the last subway stop on Ditmars Blvd. Chris came in to
check the place out, wasn't in the mood to stay since he wanted to
get his automobile from his folk's home and go to his own home.
I even offered the fucker the best seat next to the bar, THE BEST!
I used to spend many afternoons and evenings at the BEST seat at
the bar. Can see everything from that spot, people coming and going,
the main TV, can sit back in the chair and relax, and usually during the
week the gorgeously cool bartender Ashley will converse with you frequently. However, the old Irish thug bartender Jimmy seemed to think I was falling asleep and asked me to go home myself. That fucker.
That Old Irish Fucker! I simply wanted to relax and enjoy THE BEST
SPOT at what was once my favorite Irish Pub. Fucker.
Of course, I fell asleep on the train when I switched over at Queensboro
Plaza, woke up at Coney Island as the conducter was practically screaming
for the second or third time "This is the LAST STOP!"
Fuck.
Oh well, I had a good "catnap" to the Coney Island stop, and the ride
back out to Queens wasn't as long as I feared it would be.
However, I had to pee. I felt the urge to do so before the train had
crossed the Manhattan border. I held. And I held. And I had a look of a pissed off stood-up fucker who didn't have the demeanor to be pleasant if anyone dared fuck with him before he arrived at his pre-determined destination. I was tired, I was tired of being an old curmudgeon, I was tired of holding the pressure in my aging bladder, so after watching a few stops go by in lower Manhattan and seeing the platforms fairly empty of citizens, arriving at the 8th St. stop I decide to get off and release the burden on my bladder at the end of the platform (the North End of the N/R/W subway platform behind the steel girder/support is where ther is evidence of fluid on the platform floor...you gotta go, you gotta go...felt like I was fairly clever and hidden, wouldn't have been ticketed for indecent exposure by any means...of course that may have been the effects of having 1 glass wine compliments of St. Peters, 2 large L.I. Iced Teas compliments of Turtle Bay, 1/2 Budweiser and 1/5 of small glass of Jemeson's Whiskey the unfinished compliments of that OLD IRISH FUCKER in Astoria, Queens.
Arrived in Jackson Heights/Elmhurst around 7:30pm, about 1/2 hour before the season-premiere of "24" was regularly broadcast on Channel 5 FOX.
Pretty intense show. I sat with my computer on with a barely begun game of Spider-Solitaire, more intensely focussed on the TV screen. Two episodes were broadcast tonight, and two more are scheduled to be broadcast tomorrow. Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer the CTU agent in the field is a pretty cool character. Tough guy. He's like a Steve McQueen character. Tough guy. My dad and I actually would say "Jack's Back!" when we watched the DVD episodes we rented in Colorado.
When "24" was finished tonight, then Ch. 11 News in the background while I continued to solve the layout of this one particular deal of Solitaire, waiting for the weather with Mr. G (actually on the weekends Joe Ciappi is the fill-in weatherman) and sports with Sal (actually Kip Lewis is the fillin on the weekends for Sal), and now "Friends" is on in the background as I type out my frustrations to you. You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are tolerant, you are fun, you are cool! And you're tough, so tough I would hope to have you with me the next time I even dared think of going to some stupid Irish pub in Astoria, Queens and having to answer with a nod that maybe Yes it was time for me to go home. I didn't want to argue, I didn't care to need to justify me wanting to enjoy the peace and stillness of that old fucker's bar. Oh well, no tip for him. I don't think I gave him any tip. Fucker.
I'm OK now. Flossed, brushed, smoked my last cigarrette outside, and am now empty of any uplifting thoughts for you, you dear, sweet lovely lady.
(END of my childish evening synapsis to friend...full of childish language, revelation, loss of direction, awakening, foolishness, juvenile carelessness)
Wrote some additional topics the other day
that would remind me of memories concerning
children's words that came to thought
An enormous amount of thought went behind this topic
And my general topics are elaborated on some as follows
A Children's Sermon
My father who is a pastor out MidWest whom I just saw for over a month over the holidays, is always good about catering to all age groups at his church, and usually has a special children's sermon every other Sunday. He asks all children below a certain age to come up to the altar where he will attempt to talk to them on their level of understanding and thinking. He then thanks the children for coming up to listen to his "children's version" of the topic he will continue to discuss with the adults for his "regular sermon". It's always an entertaining time to watch my father speak to this group of 10-20 children. His children's sermon is just as thought provoking to the adults as it is the children.
This brought the thought of how much children grow within a short period of time. Amazing how much a former child I had met there once a few years ago. That child is now a teenage male with facial hair.
One of the young children here in NY looked a lot more mature within the month that I was gone. I saw an old friend whom I knew since I was 1 year old on my trip. We've somehow stayed friends for over our 35+ years, and it's always fun to laugh about the same things we laughed about when we were so young. Silly stuff his older brother used to say that would make us howl with laughter, and still did just two weeks ago. I also saw a young mother who used to babysit my brother and I many years ago. We hadn't seen her since then, but she hadn't changed much from my memory. Yet I now stood taller than her. She and I had some good laughs about those babysitting moments, she seemed to think that she had hit my brother and I with a spatula. That made me laugh, and apologize to her for thinking that. I mentioned that two young boys, pastor's kids at that, I didn't doubt it for a second that somebody at least may have had the inclination to at least "threaten" us with a spatula spanking. My brother and I would constantly tease our babysitters, trying to kiss them, and we would wake up constantly when we were supposed to be in bed, always anxious to arouse the babysitter downstairs with our young shenanigans. OUr "old" babysitter and I laughed and laughed as both our "even older" parents stood by and listening to our laughter about those babysat evenings.
Another couple came over for dinner while I was out on vacation, and older couple who's son was going through a bitter divorce, and these grandparents were taking care of their 2 year old grandaughter. The little girl was playing with my parents' little dog, she was trying to pick it up because she could see how affectionate my folks' dog was.
But she couldn't pick up the little dog, even in its small weight it was still too awkward and the dog would snap at her when she would attempt to lift the dog with her weak and boney fingers. Poor little girl was shocked that that precious loving dog would yip at her genuine attempts to lift it.
In my own attempt to ease the affectionate attempts with the dog, I held the dog in my lap at the dinner table, and the young grandaughter was able to calmly pet the dog, and occassionally could lean over and kiss the precious dog on it's little doggie head.
The little granddaughter was anxious to play though, so I went and got a boxful of my brother's and my old toys that my own mother and father keep around for various young children to play with when visiting. A Fischer Price Village, Farm, various plastic automobiles which various uniformed wooden and plastic Fischer Price "people" could be set into. The grandmother and granddad were fascinated with these toys more than the little grandaughter.
A young teenage boy whom I had met next door to my mother and father
was playing with his new BB gun in the neighbor's backyard. He was a young elementary kid just a few years ago, but now was at least 2 feet taller, had longer hair, was muscular, even had hair growing on his face that looked like he now needed to shave, and his voice was deeper.
I didn't recognize him whatsoever from my memory of him 3 years ago.
My mother asked me what I thought about for a Xmas gift for my little nephew who was born 2 years ago. She, my father and I looked at all of the little sports outfits at JCPenny's and Mervyn's. He was already too big for some things that I thought would have fit him in my reference to his size 1 year ago.
I got to see a cousin of mine who's mentally handicapped. Great kid who has a home-care giver that lives with him in their own separate home. He's constantly on the go, his mind is running a million times faster than ours are, yet he is only able to speak as he were a 2 year old. One morning after I stayed with them overnight, my cousin and I were watching the sunrise, and he quietly puts his arm around me as if to reassure me that "everything is OK". His home-care live-in worker said that my cousin wouldn't do that with everyone. He's very keen on people's karma, he wouldn't talk to nor care to be around somebody who didn't have a good karma. The fact that my cousin was constantly talking to me and around me said a lot about how much he admired his older cousin Aaron. That made my entire trip, my year, my life to have my mentally handicapped cousin reassure me in a rare quiet moment that everything was OK.
A Children's Sermon
Toys for Children
How Children grow
Speaks like a Child
Childhood possessions
Childhood obsessions with our childlike wonders
Childhood obsessions with our own children
Childish outlook
With the eyes of a child
Childish habits
A writer is always writing
no matter what state of mind they may be in
And the writer always keeps the current deadline in mind
An example of this is how much I had to drink last night
but was determined to type out an email to a close friend
in answer to their email wondering if I had gotten home OK
At home by 1:30AM, a little topsy, eager to inform the concerned
mother of her own 3 daughters about the safety of her inebriated
friend yesterday, and a little information about my topsy evening of returning home. Am now up at 6AM to type on these topics of "Childish Words".
home (1:30am last night)
home again
home again
Actually Chris and I rode out to Astoria, to O'Hanlon's Irish
Pub at the last subway stop on Ditmars Blvd. Chris came in to
check the place out, wasn't in the mood to stay since he wanted to
get his automobile from his folk's home and go to his own home.
I even offered the fucker the best seat next to the bar, THE BEST!
I used to spend many afternoons and evenings at the BEST seat at
the bar. Can see everything from that spot, people coming and going,
the main TV, can sit back in the chair and relax, and usually during the
week the gorgeously cool bartender Ashley will converse with you frequently. However, the old Irish thug bartender Jimmy seemed to think I was falling asleep and asked me to go home myself. That fucker.
That Old Irish Fucker! I simply wanted to relax and enjoy THE BEST
SPOT at what was once my favorite Irish Pub. Fucker.
Of course, I fell asleep on the train when I switched over at Queensboro
Plaza, woke up at Coney Island as the conducter was practically screaming
for the second or third time "This is the LAST STOP!"
Fuck.
Oh well, I had a good "catnap" to the Coney Island stop, and the ride
back out to Queens wasn't as long as I feared it would be.
However, I had to pee. I felt the urge to do so before the train had
crossed the Manhattan border. I held. And I held. And I had a look of a pissed off stood-up fucker who didn't have the demeanor to be pleasant if anyone dared fuck with him before he arrived at his pre-determined destination. I was tired, I was tired of being an old curmudgeon, I was tired of holding the pressure in my aging bladder, so after watching a few stops go by in lower Manhattan and seeing the platforms fairly empty of citizens, arriving at the 8th St. stop I decide to get off and release the burden on my bladder at the end of the platform (the North End of the N/R/W subway platform behind the steel girder/support is where ther is evidence of fluid on the platform floor...you gotta go, you gotta go...felt like I was fairly clever and hidden, wouldn't have been ticketed for indecent exposure by any means...of course that may have been the effects of having 1 glass wine compliments of St. Peters, 2 large L.I. Iced Teas compliments of Turtle Bay, 1/2 Budweiser and 1/5 of small glass of Jemeson's Whiskey the unfinished compliments of that OLD IRISH FUCKER in Astoria, Queens.
Arrived in Jackson Heights/Elmhurst around 7:30pm, about 1/2 hour before the season-premiere of "24" was regularly broadcast on Channel 5 FOX.
Pretty intense show. I sat with my computer on with a barely begun game of Spider-Solitaire, more intensely focussed on the TV screen. Two episodes were broadcast tonight, and two more are scheduled to be broadcast tomorrow. Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer the CTU agent in the field is a pretty cool character. Tough guy. He's like a Steve McQueen character. Tough guy. My dad and I actually would say "Jack's Back!" when we watched the DVD episodes we rented in Colorado.
When "24" was finished tonight, then Ch. 11 News in the background while I continued to solve the layout of this one particular deal of Solitaire, waiting for the weather with Mr. G (actually on the weekends Joe Ciappi is the fill-in weatherman) and sports with Sal (actually Kip Lewis is the fillin on the weekends for Sal), and now "Friends" is on in the background as I type out my frustrations to you. You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are tolerant, you are fun, you are cool! And you're tough, so tough I would hope to have you with me the next time I even dared think of going to some stupid Irish pub in Astoria, Queens and having to answer with a nod that maybe Yes it was time for me to go home. I didn't want to argue, I didn't care to need to justify me wanting to enjoy the peace and stillness of that old fucker's bar. Oh well, no tip for him. I don't think I gave him any tip. Fucker.
I'm OK now. Flossed, brushed, smoked my last cigarrette outside, and am now empty of any uplifting thoughts for you, you dear, sweet lovely lady.
(END of my childish evening synapsis to friend...full of childish language, revelation, loss of direction, awakening, foolishness, juvenile carelessness)
Wrote some additional topics the other day
that would remind me of memories concerning
children's words that came to thought
An enormous amount of thought went behind this topic
And my general topics are elaborated on some as follows
A Children's Sermon
My father who is a pastor out MidWest whom I just saw for over a month over the holidays, is always good about catering to all age groups at his church, and usually has a special children's sermon every other Sunday. He asks all children below a certain age to come up to the altar where he will attempt to talk to them on their level of understanding and thinking. He then thanks the children for coming up to listen to his "children's version" of the topic he will continue to discuss with the adults for his "regular sermon". It's always an entertaining time to watch my father speak to this group of 10-20 children. His children's sermon is just as thought provoking to the adults as it is the children.
This brought the thought of how much children grow within a short period of time. Amazing how much a former child I had met there once a few years ago. That child is now a teenage male with facial hair.
One of the young children here in NY looked a lot more mature within the month that I was gone. I saw an old friend whom I knew since I was 1 year old on my trip. We've somehow stayed friends for over our 35+ years, and it's always fun to laugh about the same things we laughed about when we were so young. Silly stuff his older brother used to say that would make us howl with laughter, and still did just two weeks ago. I also saw a young mother who used to babysit my brother and I many years ago. We hadn't seen her since then, but she hadn't changed much from my memory. Yet I now stood taller than her. She and I had some good laughs about those babysitting moments, she seemed to think that she had hit my brother and I with a spatula. That made me laugh, and apologize to her for thinking that. I mentioned that two young boys, pastor's kids at that, I didn't doubt it for a second that somebody at least may have had the inclination to at least "threaten" us with a spatula spanking. My brother and I would constantly tease our babysitters, trying to kiss them, and we would wake up constantly when we were supposed to be in bed, always anxious to arouse the babysitter downstairs with our young shenanigans. OUr "old" babysitter and I laughed and laughed as both our "even older" parents stood by and listening to our laughter about those babysat evenings.
Another couple came over for dinner while I was out on vacation, and older couple who's son was going through a bitter divorce, and these grandparents were taking care of their 2 year old grandaughter. The little girl was playing with my parents' little dog, she was trying to pick it up because she could see how affectionate my folks' dog was.
But she couldn't pick up the little dog, even in its small weight it was still too awkward and the dog would snap at her when she would attempt to lift the dog with her weak and boney fingers. Poor little girl was shocked that that precious loving dog would yip at her genuine attempts to lift it.
In my own attempt to ease the affectionate attempts with the dog, I held the dog in my lap at the dinner table, and the young grandaughter was able to calmly pet the dog, and occassionally could lean over and kiss the precious dog on it's little doggie head.
The little granddaughter was anxious to play though, so I went and got a boxful of my brother's and my old toys that my own mother and father keep around for various young children to play with when visiting. A Fischer Price Village, Farm, various plastic automobiles which various uniformed wooden and plastic Fischer Price "people" could be set into. The grandmother and granddad were fascinated with these toys more than the little grandaughter.
A young teenage boy whom I had met next door to my mother and father
was playing with his new BB gun in the neighbor's backyard. He was a young elementary kid just a few years ago, but now was at least 2 feet taller, had longer hair, was muscular, even had hair growing on his face that looked like he now needed to shave, and his voice was deeper.
I didn't recognize him whatsoever from my memory of him 3 years ago.
My mother asked me what I thought about for a Xmas gift for my little nephew who was born 2 years ago. She, my father and I looked at all of the little sports outfits at JCPenny's and Mervyn's. He was already too big for some things that I thought would have fit him in my reference to his size 1 year ago.
I got to see a cousin of mine who's mentally handicapped. Great kid who has a home-care giver that lives with him in their own separate home. He's constantly on the go, his mind is running a million times faster than ours are, yet he is only able to speak as he were a 2 year old. One morning after I stayed with them overnight, my cousin and I were watching the sunrise, and he quietly puts his arm around me as if to reassure me that "everything is OK". His home-care live-in worker said that my cousin wouldn't do that with everyone. He's very keen on people's karma, he wouldn't talk to nor care to be around somebody who didn't have a good karma. The fact that my cousin was constantly talking to me and around me said a lot about how much he admired his older cousin Aaron. That made my entire trip, my year, my life to have my mentally handicapped cousin reassure me in a rare quiet moment that everything was OK.
Being Policed
Being Policed
Angela, was applying to Med School
In 1999 I emailed her asking what it meant when your vision wasn't
focussing correctly, balance was off,
and you were exhausted much earlier than normal in the evenings
Sounded like the symptoms of MS to her then as it did the same to my
primary care physician, but the symptoms didn't last, and I ignored the
early possible diagnoses.
Julia, was going to go to Law School
we broke up so she could go and study,
but she saw another young lady who in her eyes was a good match for me,
Pamela, worked for an independent Ambulance company, driving,
dispatching...she came to my apartment one morning with a coffee and a
cinnamon roll to say hello
Pamela soon got a job dispatching for the county's sheriff's office
Her brother was in the Army, and he had the dream job of joining with
the FBI. Pamela now works as a police-officer in a big city
Carol became a friend through a mutual friend of ours who lived in the
dormitory across the hall from me in college
Carol came to visit NY at the start of the new millenium
She and I stayed in touch through email,
she has two boys and an ex-husband who shares custody
A distance I wasn't willing or able to travel or to shorten
Carol is now in Law School
Amy, came to visit NYC in October of 2001
she said she admired me when we were young,
She now works part-time for a police department
and security at a power-plant.
In the meantime of these acquaintences, I had been in charge of the internet security of a large corporation, the late night security of a music rehearsal and storage facility, also my one of my first jobs after college was being in charge of the safe transportation of school children (a school bus driver), and (oddly and unfitting to the rest of the careers up to this point) an entertainer who sang poplular dance songs. But, then it was the singing those popular dance songs that originally enacted interactions with these aspiring young professional ladies.
Interesting, or telling perhaps, that these young ladies took careers
in the practices of various forms of Health Care or Law Enforcement
and were girlfriends at various points in my life.
What does that say about my character...
I could make the assumption that I gave off some vibe of health and security.
That or something semi-humorous related to the common axiom, "It takes
a thief to catch a thief..." My college roommate who formed the business of the cover band playing the popular dance songs quoted an old Eddie Murphy standup routine to convince me to join, "just sing..." My roommate was good about keeping our band busy, having a steady flow of gigs and income, and staying in contact with club owners and booking agents.
A combination of all those factors perhaps, I was a little bit of a rebel, but a known, constant, reliable, hard-working consistency on which to feed off of. There, I gave off some vibe of youthful vitality (health) and security. That sounds like a good summation.
Not to forget, my present roommate started a new career in security.
Angela, was applying to Med School
In 1999 I emailed her asking what it meant when your vision wasn't
focussing correctly, balance was off,
and you were exhausted much earlier than normal in the evenings
Sounded like the symptoms of MS to her then as it did the same to my
primary care physician, but the symptoms didn't last, and I ignored the
early possible diagnoses.
Julia, was going to go to Law School
we broke up so she could go and study,
but she saw another young lady who in her eyes was a good match for me,
Pamela, worked for an independent Ambulance company, driving,
dispatching...she came to my apartment one morning with a coffee and a
cinnamon roll to say hello
Pamela soon got a job dispatching for the county's sheriff's office
Her brother was in the Army, and he had the dream job of joining with
the FBI. Pamela now works as a police-officer in a big city
Carol became a friend through a mutual friend of ours who lived in the
dormitory across the hall from me in college
Carol came to visit NY at the start of the new millenium
She and I stayed in touch through email,
she has two boys and an ex-husband who shares custody
A distance I wasn't willing or able to travel or to shorten
Carol is now in Law School
Amy, came to visit NYC in October of 2001
she said she admired me when we were young,
She now works part-time for a police department
and security at a power-plant.
In the meantime of these acquaintences, I had been in charge of the internet security of a large corporation, the late night security of a music rehearsal and storage facility, also my one of my first jobs after college was being in charge of the safe transportation of school children (a school bus driver), and (oddly and unfitting to the rest of the careers up to this point) an entertainer who sang poplular dance songs. But, then it was the singing those popular dance songs that originally enacted interactions with these aspiring young professional ladies.
Interesting, or telling perhaps, that these young ladies took careers
in the practices of various forms of Health Care or Law Enforcement
and were girlfriends at various points in my life.
What does that say about my character...
I could make the assumption that I gave off some vibe of health and security.
That or something semi-humorous related to the common axiom, "It takes
a thief to catch a thief..." My college roommate who formed the business of the cover band playing the popular dance songs quoted an old Eddie Murphy standup routine to convince me to join, "just sing..." My roommate was good about keeping our band busy, having a steady flow of gigs and income, and staying in contact with club owners and booking agents.
A combination of all those factors perhaps, I was a little bit of a rebel, but a known, constant, reliable, hard-working consistency on which to feed off of. There, I gave off some vibe of youthful vitality (health) and security. That sounds like a good summation.
Not to forget, my present roommate started a new career in security.
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